Getting Back...

Well folks.  I've been "radio silent" for awhile.

I haven't even looked to see how long.  But know that I'm aware and I am moments from my return.

I think I was tired.  And now, I am sick and tired of being tired.

And leaving the Dukan Diet, regardless of my intentions of it being temporary and getting right back on, hasn't been this fun and games thing.  I mean, I have had sugar.  And loads of it.  But it hasn't really helped.  And I'm kind of tired of sweet tastes.  ?!??  I know!  Never thought I'd have that feeling.  But, I don't like how I feel.  I don't like how I look with the regained weight.  And I gave away two big bags of clothes, so there isn't even the "safety zone" in bigger sizes in my house.  And heaven knows I'm NOT buying bigger sizes.

So.  Tomorrow, I am eating my oat bran cereal.  I am making myself some chicken tortilla soup (except I forgot tortillas, so we'll forget about that).  I shall have my last two cookies and Monday morning (I SOOO hate it when my husband does this...but I mean it) I am back, 100% to my 100 approved foods.

Period.

And I'm going to my goal.

Because I am kind of missing the 170-ish body that I had going on there...and I'm looking forward to seeing what it does at numbers below that.  AND...because, I realized that I have the old lady arms that keep waving after I've finished waving...if you know what I'm saying.

So.  I kick 2011 to the curb.

I accept that my feelings will continue to be hurt by family members who choose to believe the worst about me...when it's not even mine to own.

I accept that my daughter is looking for happiness and believes that she'll find it with either a girlfriend or a boyfriend...phew...I about teared up there, typing it out.  Whom she kisses doesn't diminish her value as a human being nor my love for her.  She knows where I stand...I know where she stands...we still love each other and I refuse to let any of my children's decisions cut me out of their lives.  And at the end of the day, I have to stand by my belief that our lives are between each of us and our maker.

I accept that my daughter is probably more private than I am.  Accepting that, and respecting that, I will be available and open should she choose to come to me with her stuff.  I'm not taking it as a hurt anymore.  She is her own person.  We love each other and need each other in our own ways.

I accept that my daughter is marching to her own drum.  I respect her ability to live her life 'out loud' instead of hiding who she really is for the comfort of others around her...like I have done for so many years.  Turns out, it really wasn't for others' comfort, it was for what I perceived their comfort to be...I have zero desire to stifle any of my daughters...so I will focus on the openness, communication, and companionship that we have between us and be grateful for the smart choices she makes.

My three daughters have heard all their lives that what I want for them is to be happy, wise, and healthy women.  Healthy...I meant mentally, but physically also...mentally more...because that helps everything else in life.  They have survived my idiotic choices in life and are now checking the world out for themselves.  They are incredible people...capable of most anything they set their mind to.

Now...I need to do that for myself.

Be happy.

Be wise.

And be healthy.

So I will do that.

I'm not quite sure how it'll be accomplished, but I live with a good man.  Even with his faults, he does good by me.  I will trust that more and vocalize my needs more...once I figure them out...or rather, as I figure them out.

2012 will be good.

I will NOT be a fat mother-of-the-bride...I will NOT be a fat stepmom-of-the-groom.  Shopping for my dresses will be fun.  Not a soul crushing chore.

I will figure out my place in the world.

I will leave 2012 better than I found it.

And I head into this year, accepting that the only thing I have control over is myself.  My thoughts, my actions, my deeds.  Number one on the list is to get rid of these lumpy bumpy excess fat rolls.

I'm taking my biotin so I ought to keep my hair now...seriously, if you're not taking biotin, get to the store now and buy some!

And...finally...I accept that I will lose more boobage.

A sad thing indeed.

Week 21 - Cruise Phase

Start:  173.2

Day 1 -  173.2.  Not as bad as I thought it might be.  It's a place to start.  Whatever this mind thing has been for the past few weeks, it's leaving.  I'm getting annoyed with myself.  I'm almost there.  To the weight I'm aiming for and to the next dosage of determination I need.  This hasn't been the easiest year...loads of growing opportunities, if you catch my drift.  This month has been...enlightening...difficult...exhausting mentally, physically, and spiritually.  But I can only do what I can do...and that's only about myself.  So.  Did a little online Christmas shopping...got Christmas Eve jammies for my children...and...yup.  Got a black "jammies" for myself.  In medium.  Let the hubby be surprised and bring on Christmas Eve!  Medium...size medium...

Day 2 - 172.2.  Watching a show last night.  A personal trainer was explaining how this woman needs to figure out how to deal with her stress because until she gets her mind and body on the same road, she's not going to see progression with her weight loss.  I almost broke into tears.  That's what this year has been about...getting my ducks in a row.  Lots of factors went into this.  And then, this year...bleah...and this month....sigh...I'm getting back to me.  And "me" is not double-digit sized.  Not to say that a size 10 isn't acceptable.  BUT, I am short.  I ought to be able to have size 8's in my wardrobe that fit my body.  Clothes shopping ought not be a miserable experience.  I'll not be a skinny minnie, don't want to be that.  I want to be able to eat food..  Just want to match the me in my mind with the me in the mirror.  Need to get more settled in my mind and soul.  I'm getting there.  Which may explain the restlessness to finish this cruise phase up.

Day 3 - 172.0

Day 4 - ... silent ...

Day 5 - 173.2.  I'm working on it.  Getting my head together.  Getting my will power turned on and determination set in.  I can do it.  I know I can.  Finish this phase.  Get life re-centered.  Move along move along...yeah, that's a song...

Day 6 - 173.something.  Sigh.  Letting go of images of how I want life to be, and accepting what is...that's difficult.  Going to bed last night and saying: that's enough...and waking up this morning...and knowing that if I maintain today or "cheat", it's up to me...and deciding...oh...I do NOT even know how many times today I have decided to stick to the 100 foods list.  It's almost bedtime...and I have not had any non-Dukan foods today.  It has not been easy.  But then, I got to thinking about this summer...and it wasn't easy...but I did it.  And I can do this for a bit more.  I have lost and kept 30 pounds GONE.  Gone.  That's what I did.  No one else.  Considering that?  I've already done most of it.  Getting to 159 will only take months if I keep half-assing it.  Don't want to do that.  Don't want to play with the numbers.  Don't want to dread getting on the scale.  Don't want to hide a cookie in my pocket (basketball shorts).  Don't want to do that.  I want to finish this journey...so I need to do it.  Because no one else can do it for me.  That kind of sucks.  :)  Anyway.  Gold star for me today.

Day 7 - 172.4.  Today, I am once again, a Dukaner.  And folks...if you're reading this...my advice is: once you start, don't stop until you reach your goal...and here we go to my goal weight.  If I hadn't been a 80-95%'er, I would should have hit my weight yesterday...  Darn my hide.  

Official weigh in from the end of my twenty-first week in the Cruise Phase:  170.6

Week twenty-one weight loss: 2.6

Total weight loss:  34.4