Week 1 - Cruise Phase

Start:  228.5

*Any failure on this venture lies solely upon my shoulders.  I made the decision to cut the Attack Phase short, I'm okay with that decision.  

Day 1 - I told my husband, "I am only down 1/2 pound."  He said, "That's better than up 1/2 pound."  Yes, indeed it is.  I look at the card my daughter made me last go around.  It's on my fridge, where it has resided since she made it.  There was this joke amongst my children about mom doing the Toucan Diet.  She even gave me a mini box of Fruit Loops.  But it was in jest.  They were very supportive and proud of me.  So, when I told her I had decided to get back on board, she said to remember her card and was it still on the fridge?  Yes it is.  Thank you.  Because..."Who can Dukan?  YOU CAN!"  I decided to stop the attack phase.  Before I abandoned everything.  Thus, the disclaimer at the top here.  Any failure is due to me doing that.  I had a few more days of attack phase left.  No.  I went ahead and had today be a PV day.  I had my breakfast.  I had a salad with chicken for lunch.  It was fine.  We went out for dinner and I had a most delicious chicken salad.  Fast forward a few hours, it's time for bed and I'm not hungry.  I've had the urge to munch, but I know that is habit.  So.  I'm good.  I got some protein bars that have zero carbs and 1 gram of sugar and a lot of protein...in case I'm about to lose it at church tomorrow...I'm putting it in my purse, just in case.  "Just in case" help me.  There's a Kit Kat in the freezer.  Just in case.  Yet, I have left it be.  I know it's there.  I know I'm not getting into it.  That's a win.  I can't have stuff on the counter.  I will pretend I do not see the cheesecake slice in the fridge and he will eat it when I'm not in the room, but it's a win.  I do hope that the number goes down each day, but I know it won't.  Losing 7 pounds each week would be bad.  Lovely to get numbers down that fast, but...that would be bad.  All in all.  Today was a good food day.  I'm going to have to mess with days here and there, but I will do my best to stick to the bones of the plan.  I was only a little angry about food today.  Yesterday, I was a lot angry.

Day 2 - Well, the number didn't go down this morning.  That was frustrating.  But.  Ok.  Let's deal.  Actually, I didn't deal with it right then.  I had a bad night.  Felt cold all night.  This morning, just felt odd.  I took the easy way out and covered myself up on the couch while my husband went to church.  Watched a little tv, then went back to sleep.  Found another way to eat my oat bran.  Made the hot cereal, and then added a scoop of the protein drink to it.  I went back and read my blog post here from my first time in the attack phase.  I need to get in the mental state that this upcoming week, I will lose 1 to 2 pounds.  And that will be a success.  And if I were able to do it another way, then I already would have done it.  I told my girls I'm going to the gym tomorrow, so.  I'll do that.  I haven't been there since my dad died.  I think I have a lot of frustration and anger to get out.  Lots of emotions going on here.  I know he's gone.  But.  It isn't my reality yet.  If that makes sense.  In the meantime, today is a protein day.  I shall do my best to enjoy it.

Day 3 - The number went down today.  Phew!  I did my T-Tapps.  I'm doing a protein day so I can have a PV day tomorrow.  Not much going on right now.  I'm tired of thinking about food.  I don't know if I've adjusted somewhat to this or not, but I don't feel as hungry today.  Didn't yesterday either.  I'm keeping track of time.  Checking in with my stomach and body every three hours.  Taking my biotin every day so in a few weeks, hopefully I don't have hair loss like I did last time before I found about about that stuff.  Staying away from the diet Dr. Peppers still.  I watched 'Hungry for Change' yesterday (instant view on Netflix), it was interesting.  I started to wonder if it was an infomercial for juicing towards the end, but then started thinking and ended up googling blenders/juicers.  I'm getting a new blender soon, trying to decide which one.  Was looking to see if there were good ones that juice also, but now am thinking I can just blend the heck out of the veggies and have a smoothie, right?  Maybe next week I'll have decided which one and I'll be talking about smoothies on my PV days.  I did get my chia seeds out and have some of those today.  The movie said it helps your liver so, okay.  That's an easy one.  I miss my dad.  I will feel the feelings instead of stuffing them with food.  I will go eat before we head to Lowe's so I have an easier time passing restaurants.  Did I mention the number was down?  Half a pound, but I'll take it and all I have to do is maintain for a few more days before my 'official' week weigh-in.  And then, I can start a new week.  

Day 4 - Today is an off day.  I had a good lunch with a new friend in the making.  Other than that, why would today make me feel off?  Let's see: step on the scale.  No loss.  I know.  1-2 pounds a week, but, at this point, I have three more 'weigh in' mornings and then I document.  And if there isn't a solid 1-2 pounds lost, then what am I doing this for?  You know, all sorts of pessimistic thoughts.  Then there is: my body is doing this lovely thing called, peri-menopause.  It's okay.  If I can't get pregnant, then just stop with the whole stupid process already.  So, I haven't had a period for almost 6 months, I was hoping it would continue that way.  But no.  My lovely body seems to be trying to make up for the past 6 months.  So, that means I have issues.  I get home from lunch, from errands, I wasn't checking the time, I should have been.  More than 3 hours had passed, so I'm hungry and my body is sad.  So I eat.  Except, now I'm down in the dumps.  Plus, I got the mail.  And my Birchbox isn't exciting, so should I cancel it?  Dunno.  There's a letter from my dad's widow.  She's looking forward to our family Christmas party, I do not want to see her.  There is a 2k check.  From one of my dad's things.  That ought to make me happy.  Instead, I am incredibly sad.  I'd say I want a cookie, but I know I'm choosing to not have them, so I can't bring myself to wanting them.  I do, however, want to disappear inside a bunch of good bread.  So I have some Dukan-friendly buffalo chicken dip in the crock pot and I'm going to eat that with celery tonight.  Talked with my husband a bit.  See?  I'm learning.  He's quite friendly and loves me and is open to me talking to him.  He can't fix this, but we both know he would if he could.  So.  I'm sad because I'm fat.  I'm sad because my dad is dead.  I'm sad because I think I ought to have plans for the stupid check.  Think a pound will go away in the next few days?

Day 5 - I have a bigger event at church tonight.  I was going to make rolls, but decided against it.  Hubby asked if it was a good idea, I thought that over and he was right.  So I went to the store to buy Italian bread to go with the spaghetti others are making (I am doing SO VERY GOOD at letting go of things, I even got a compliment about that, how they wished they could let go like I am, I said, I have to right now, otherwise, I'll fall apart), got some soft Vienna rolls for hubby's lunch sandwiches.  And.  They taste tremendous.  I know, because I tried those suckers.  Oh well.  Back to the task at hand.  I did not eat any of the spaghetti, I did not eat any of the dessert.  

Day 6 - Number is staying steady.  I need to figure this out.  Because I don't know if I'm up to go bread free.

Day 7 - I don't know.  I don't know.  I'm mourning.

Official weigh in from the end of my first week in the Cruise Phase: 228.0

Week one weight loss: .5

Total weight loss: 6 pounds!

Day 4 - Attack Phase

Weight: 229.0

Happy Dance!

I was "trying" for a long time to get out of the 230's.  I'M OUT!!!

And I was all prepared to go to lunch today.  I went on the restaurant's website and went through most of the menu (I have no need to look at pasta, that's just cruel right now.  And desserts.  And appetizers, even though I rarely get them, just don't go look.) and figured out a safe thing for me to order.  It wouldn't be an attack day, it'd be a PV day.  

And then, it gets changed.  To Tuesday.

Well, look at that!  I can have a PV day on Tuesday!  

And, to be honest, I was kind of looking forward to putting vegetables in my mouth.

But.  Okay.  We'll roll with it.  I shall continue my attack day and see the number go down again tomorrow.

P.S.  Well, it's nighttime and I am wanting to munch.  I'm not hungry, but I want to munch.  I'm feeling pessimistic right now.  Hopefully tomorrow will be another lower number.  I have a church event for a few hours in the morning, with a luncheon.  I don't know what they're having.  I'm going to do my best.  I didn't have a caffeine headache today, that was good.  The number was down...the number was down...the number was down this morning.  That is terrific.

Thank you Dr. Dukan.

Day 3 - Attack Phase

Weight: 230.5

That sound you may have heard?  That was me.  Shouting "YEAH" and "WHOO!!!" in my empty house.  And then I gave myself a happy dance.

Because, although I have a long way to go, that number on the scale today?  That's movement DOWN!  Not up!

Phew.

I don't even know what else to say right now.  I'll save this and write more at the end of the day...

P.S.  Went and did some more shopping.  Got myself some fat-free cottage cheese.  More eggs.  London Broil.  Sugar-free Hawaiian Punch.  Told my husband about my number loss...he was happy for me, he understands the frustration and said how happy he was for me to be able to experience the number going down like that.  Made him think that he needs to get on board.  Course, then we discussed the diet (I mean diet as in what one eats, not the losing weight version of diet) that would work best for him with his physical stuff, and realized that I'm focusing on proteins and he's supposed to be staying away from meat that came from anything that has a liver.  HUH?  Yeah.  Those meats "feed" his gout and we need to stop feeding his gout.  We'll see what he decides.  Because I can do what I can here, but he needs to follow through when he's at work.  We also talked about how I don't know that I can stick to the Dukan Diet to the letter.  Because I'm supposed to be on the attack phase for 6 days...yet, I have a lunch appointment tomorrow.  So I will do a PV day tomorrow and hope for the best.  I can make Dukan choices, and do the best I can.

Other than that, I am still so very much excited about the number that was on the scale this morning.  And I'm hopeful for tomorrow.  There's the part of me that says: it's not going to go down...it's going to go up...so, I hope.  I hope.  I hope that the number is lower.

That makes the whole "not fun" part of losing weight easier.

Day 2 - Attack Phase

Weight: 233.5

I'll take it.  Tomorrow there should be a lower number.  Because I am not having sugar.  I am not having bread.  I am not having any of the things that I want.

I went and read my first day 2 - attack phase.  I remember the turkey patties.  I do love those things.  I shall go Foreman Grill me some of those.

I have a minor caffeine headache right now.  I am not giving in.  Even though there are diet Cherry Dr. Peppers in the kitchen.  Maybe next week.  Maybe tomorrow.  Not today.

I am bringing the Halloween candy to the church tonight.  I am sure the teenagers will eat it.  My husband is supposedly doing his diet, but he was eating candy last night.  No way.  It isn't like I was eating it before.  But, if I know it's there, and I hear him and smell the chocolate, then determination may falter.

I also went to bed earlier than my usual time last night.  That helped.  That will probably help in life.

I also had a Crystal Light thing in my water.  That seemed to help.  And it's a good thing I like boiled eggs.  Maybe tonight I'll do a squirt of mustard on it.  There are zero calories in it, I don't understand how, but that's what the bottle says.  And zero sugar.  So I ought to be safe.

Making a turkey bread tenderloin thing for dinner tonight.  Garlic and herbs.  It will be heaven.

P.S.  Evening update.  The turkey wasn't quite heaven, but it was good.  I didn't have any of the treats at church, that was a good thing.  I maintained.  I entered my food into my food app and for the first time, I got the "you did not consume enough calories...." warning!  That was nice.  So I went and had a little bowl of the imitation crab stuff.  All in all, I survived my second day and didn't eat or drink anything that isn't on Dr. Dukan's list.

There was a moment late this afternoon.  And since this is my "therapy", "success", and "failure" safe place, I'm putting it down.  I mentioned that part of my food abuse is in relation to my non-sex life.  I think I implied that my husband isn't attracted to me, that is my take on it.  It is my belief based upon my experience and feelings.  He says otherwise.  He says I am beautiful.  He says it is him, that he hates his body, not mine.  So, with that in mind, he was watching an episode of 'Family Guy' while surfing on his laptop.  I generally don't mind the show, but today I did.  The plot was a pregnancy scare and the dude ended up getting himself snipped to prevent such things.  Fast forward, they haven't had sex for a long time and she has gained weight because he won't touch her.  The show went ON AND ON AND ON.  I went into our room, shut the door, and watched tv.  He came back after awhile and asked where I went.  I said the show was making me angry.  He actually climbed on the bed (does not do that) and came up by me.  Kissed me and said sorry.

So.  That was our moment.

Come hell or high water, we're going to have a healthy active sex life.

Come hell or high water, we're going to be healthier.  Inside and out.

Day number two, attack phase.  I conquered.

Week 25 - Cruise Phase

(Found this in my post list. I never published it from before.  Here's a blast from about 1 1/2 years ago.)

Start:  174.4

Day 1 - 174.4.  Doing a protein day even though yesterday was one...but tomorrow is a travel day and dinner out with my daughters to celebrate my middle daughter's 21st birthday!  I'm swapping to it'll be a veggie day. It's just easier.  This morning I woke up miserable.  My back was killing me...woke me up early...so I'm tired also...I felt so bloated.  Just miserable.  The kind of bloated I used to get when traveling (but don't do that anymore since losing a good chunk of poundage!!! YEAH!!!).  Ate my hot oat bran cereal.  Complained a little to hubby.  Then read blogs.  I shall now go make a birthday cake that hopefully survives the drive tomorrow.

Day 2 - 174.4.  On my way out of town this morning, I got "breakfast" at Burger King.  Oh.  My.  My tummy is NOT used to grease.  There I was, driving down the interstate at 77mph (cuz I'm chicken and don't want a ticket, so I've convinced myself that I won't get a ticket on the freeway for going 2 over), with my arm up above my head, doing Lamaze breathing, trying not to vomit...trying to figure out if I ought to pull over...trying to figure out if that paper bag will hold...my stomach's contents should I not make it in time...sigh...  Good thing about this?  I don't know that I'll be gorging on french fries while I'm gone.  My middle daughter turned 21...I got myself another boyfriend cardigan, this one from Aeropostle, a "L"..yeah!!!  Bright blue.  I love it.  My youngest daughter was very happy that her momma was buying something from that store.  

Day 3 - ...  Didn't get in any exercise today.  Didn't eat too badly.  I met my newest little great-nephew.  He's just beautiful.  Had a good moment with my oldest great-niece...her reading a book to me with her little thigh pressed into mine.  That's the highlight of the day...holding that sweet baby and having her right there at my side.  Got rims and tires for my husband's truck.  A little accent issue...I thought the man said something-16.  It was actually something-60.  lol...sigh...getting it taken care of though so middle daughter will have a vehicle to use while she's here...for the times when her work schedule and my meetings conflict...

Day 4 - ... Met up with a dear friend and her momma today on my way home.  She's doing much better than I hoped...10 days after her husband left her and...wow.  She is a country strong woman.  Being an awesome support for her kiddos.  Whipping her life into shape.  I am impressed.  Got home...enjoyed the evening with my husband.  Didn't eat so good.

Day 5 - ... Too nervous to get on the scale today.  I'll see what the damage is tomorrow.  I want milk.  I want lots and lots of milk.  I find that amusing.

Day 6 - 

Day 7 -

Official weigh in from the end of my twenty-fifth week in the Cruise Phase:

Week twenty-five weight loss:

Total weight loss:

Day 1 - Attack Phase

Weight: 234

I'm throwing out a lot of the temptations in the house.  My husband is completely for this because he is starting his own weight loss journey.  We'll see if he's still happy about it when he gets his munchies at night.

I don't know if I'm going to mention what I write each day.  I am reading what I did before.  I am humored by the earlier me helping the current me.

I'm going shopping.  Lots of proteins.  Get some frozen veggies for him.  I'm sad about the honeycrisp apple that I cannot eat that is on the counter.  I'll give it away.

I am excited about eating beets next week.  That makes me laugh.

I need to find my book and re-read it.

I have a bunch of GNC's 25 protein shake left.  I had that for breakfast.  Perhaps not the best idea, but, it's what I did.

I'm drinking water.  That's easy.  I do that anyway.  I'm not buying diet Dr. Pepper.  Maybe that will change in the future, maybe not.  I'm just not there right now.

Made myself some hot cereal out of the oat bran.

I'll have meat for dinner.  I can grill myself some good meat.

And hope for a lower number on the scale in the morning.

But if not, I do know that the number will be lower at the end of the week than it is now.  I am looking forward to that.

P.S.  I am adding my food.  Had some imitation crab (I think that's approved, I checked the fish it's made from) to ease me through the afternoon.  For dinner, had some chicken and sirloin steak.  Steak always sounds good, but then I get going into it and lose interest.  So half of it is still sitting on my plate looking at me.  I will probably have a boiled egg with dry mustard on it in awhile and go to bed to avoid thinking about late night munchies.  Thus endeth my first day, part two.

Same Story...Second Verse...

Hello folks!

Well.

I am back.  Back on the wagon.  Ticked off at where I am.  Ticked off because I only have myself to blame.  Determined to make the difference again and to make it stick this time.  Ticked off because I know this isn't going to be fun.  But I know I can do it.  

Because I did it before.

But I didn't finish before.  And I hid in food.

I need to not do that.

Writing here holds me somewhat accountable.  

I look at my weight and it doesn't make sense.  That isn't a number that relates to me.  Yet, it is.  That's my weight.  And I am disgusted with myself.  

* I said I wouldn't buy bigger sized clothes again.

Instead of getting back to the basics I learned from Dr. Dukan, I got tired of tight clothes and bought the bigger size.

A few times.

And now, I REFUSE to buy a bigger size.  I refuse to go into the plus department again.  And I have very little to choose to wear from my large selection of clothing.  Most of it is too small.  Even going back down, I will have more to wear than I do right now.  And I will once again, bag up the bigger things and get rid of them.

* I said I wouldn't hide in food again.

Oh boy.  If you abuse food, you don't even need an explanation here.

* I need to NOT hurt my heart.  I need to do everything I can to avoid heart disease.  I do not want to exit life how my dad exited life.

So.  Why did I hide?  Why did I quit what was working?

Here are my reasons (not going to use the term 'excuses') why I chose the easy way.  "Easy" being a relative term.  It isn't easy hating what you see in the mirror.  It isn't easy hating what you see when you look down.  It isn't easy not being attractive to your spouse.  It isn't easy limiting your physical abilities.  It isn't easy being the fat one...or one of the fat ones.  It isn't easy shopping for clothes in the larger sizes.

Oh, to go back in time and tell myself: YOU'RE AT 170!!!  DON'T LOSE THAT!!!!  Go get a therapist or something, but don't lose this achievement!  

Instead.  

* I lived with a husband who was miserable with where we were in life.  And after a few years of that, I had had it.  Frustration.  Anger.  I wasn't patient anymore.  I hid in food.

* Which then led to a sex life dying.  Which I don't completely blame him.  But I'm still angry.  And I hide in food.  Because if I can't have sex, why go without food also?  That just makes sense.  Not.

* My daughter told me she's gay.  That's the big one.  That's when I went off track.  I say, "I couldn't deal with keeping on top of my diet and keeping on top of life."  Whether that's the bottom line or not, eh.  It's what happened.  I'm grateful she told me.  I'm grateful we have an open line of communication.  I'm grateful she knows I love her.  As a conservative Christian, I am still finding my place.  I am her mom.  

* We moved across the country.  Things were "supposed to be better here."  Now we're back to the husband's issues.  His job hasn't turned out as it was supposed to.  So he is incredibly bored at work.  And unhappy.  And it's making me crazy.  

* My dad died.  Heart disease.  Complications from heart surgery.  It was a miserable two months for him.  I do not want my children to watch me go out that way.  I do not want to experience that.  I want to be around for grandchildren.

* Where are my girlfriends?  Ha!  I am lacking in the ability to make and trust friendships.  Plus, in order to not hide from people, I have to be honest with my biggest stresses...and I don't want to do that.  

* I went on anti-depressants.  I went off anti-depressants.

* I feel alone spiritually.

All in all.  I have been an emotional mess and it shows in my body.

Here we go on getting back on track.  Getting healthier.  Getting rid of weight.  Figuring out my emotions and dealing with them in a better way.

I have almost double the weight to lose this time.  

I did a bang up job of gaining weight!  

If I can succeed so well at gaining...I have to be able to succeed at losing.  Even half as good will be an achievement.