Well.
I am back. Back on the wagon. Ticked off at where I am. Ticked off because I only have myself to blame. Determined to make the difference again and to make it stick this time. Ticked off because I know this isn't going to be fun. But I know I can do it.
Because I did it before.
But I didn't finish before. And I hid in food.
I need to not do that.
Writing here holds me somewhat accountable.
I look at my weight and it doesn't make sense. That isn't a number that relates to me. Yet, it is. That's my weight. And I am disgusted with myself.
* I said I wouldn't buy bigger sized clothes again.
Instead of getting back to the basics I learned from Dr. Dukan, I got tired of tight clothes and bought the bigger size.
A few times.
And now, I REFUSE to buy a bigger size. I refuse to go into the plus department again. And I have very little to choose to wear from my large selection of clothing. Most of it is too small. Even going back down, I will have more to wear than I do right now. And I will once again, bag up the bigger things and get rid of them.
* I said I wouldn't hide in food again.
Oh boy. If you abuse food, you don't even need an explanation here.
* I need to NOT hurt my heart. I need to do everything I can to avoid heart disease. I do not want to exit life how my dad exited life.
So. Why did I hide? Why did I quit what was working?
Here are my reasons (not going to use the term 'excuses') why I chose the easy way. "Easy" being a relative term. It isn't easy hating what you see in the mirror. It isn't easy hating what you see when you look down. It isn't easy not being attractive to your spouse. It isn't easy limiting your physical abilities. It isn't easy being the fat one...or one of the fat ones. It isn't easy shopping for clothes in the larger sizes.
Oh, to go back in time and tell myself: YOU'RE AT 170!!! DON'T LOSE THAT!!!! Go get a therapist or something, but don't lose this achievement!
Instead.
* I lived with a husband who was miserable with where we were in life. And after a few years of that, I had had it. Frustration. Anger. I wasn't patient anymore. I hid in food.
* Which then led to a sex life dying. Which I don't completely blame him. But I'm still angry. And I hide in food. Because if I can't have sex, why go without food also? That just makes sense. Not.
* My daughter told me she's gay. That's the big one. That's when I went off track. I say, "I couldn't deal with keeping on top of my diet and keeping on top of life." Whether that's the bottom line or not, eh. It's what happened. I'm grateful she told me. I'm grateful we have an open line of communication. I'm grateful she knows I love her. As a conservative Christian, I am still finding my place. I am her mom.
* We moved across the country. Things were "supposed to be better here." Now we're back to the husband's issues. His job hasn't turned out as it was supposed to. So he is incredibly bored at work. And unhappy. And it's making me crazy.
* My dad died. Heart disease. Complications from heart surgery. It was a miserable two months for him. I do not want my children to watch me go out that way. I do not want to experience that. I want to be around for grandchildren.
* Where are my girlfriends? Ha! I am lacking in the ability to make and trust friendships. Plus, in order to not hide from people, I have to be honest with my biggest stresses...and I don't want to do that.
* I went on anti-depressants. I went off anti-depressants.
* I feel alone spiritually.
All in all. I have been an emotional mess and it shows in my body.
Here we go on getting back on track. Getting healthier. Getting rid of weight. Figuring out my emotions and dealing with them in a better way.
I have almost double the weight to lose this time.
I did a bang up job of gaining weight!
If I can succeed so well at gaining...I have to be able to succeed at losing. Even half as good will be an achievement.
No comments:
Post a Comment