Week 24 - Cruise Phase

Start:  176.0

Day 1 - 176.0.  Well, another late night/early morning talking with my brother.  I feel tired a bit puffy...I shall be taking a nap here shortly, have two meetings today, I need more sleep.  May I say: family rivalry is ridiculous.  I have felt this way all my life.  Mom always had love for each of us...no need to be jealous.  I have a sister and a brother (2 out of many) that are my go-to people.  My sister?  Basically, if I'm going to tell anything to anyone, it's to her.  My brother is a safe place also.  In NO way is that disrespectful or meant to be hurtful to anyone.  My nose isn't out of joint that I'm not my youngest two sisters 'go-to' person.  I know I'm one of them, that's fine.  And for crying out loud...we can only make one phone call at a time.  So...when my brother is going through hell...should he need to talk to someone else besides me...I'm not judging...I'm not guilt-tripping him...I'm giving him the freedom to do what HE needs to do.  And I know, this isn't necessarily stuff about weight loss, but it is kinda...because I'm not stuffing my feelings by eating...and I'm not blogging this on my 'regular' blog because then my brother will get more crap.  So.  There you have it.  My vent.  Jealousy, in all shapes and sizes, no matter the disguise, isn't good for anyone.  Run away from that feeling.  Period.  No arguments.  No good comes from jealousy.  Let.  It.  Go.  *sigh*  As if that'll fix the issue...  On to my plan of attack for today.  I'm happy with the scale's number this morning.  I do not think that each week will be a 4-pound weight loss...but I'll take it for my first week back.  I wish that number would go down by 4 each week, but...reality is...I'd be at my weight goal by now, and I looked at the numbers on my ticker (at the bottom of the page) and had a mini-pity-party...I'll finish with that in a moment...  Motivation to do good today.  So I will eat my proteins and fat-free cottage cheese...I already had my oat bran...I will do my mile walk and some T-Tapps.  I will drink my water.  I will not have a cookie...no, I'm not craving them...but cookies will always be my downfall.  That and good homemade cake.  I just sat here for a moment...figuring out if I was craving those things...I'm good.  I thought the number wouldn't move much...due to the massive amount of spinach and mushrooms I had for dinner last night.  This morning, as a particular body function escaped me as I was ironing...I laughed...because I had the thought: eat a buttload of spinach, your butt will make sounds back...  TMI?  Oh, get over it.  Farting is something that doesn't really happen much on this diet, so all the spinach must be what's made me a bit noisy...

Day 2 - 174.6.  Good news!  My hair isn't falling out like it was!  And my nails...oh, they were beyond sad there for awhile...they're back to strong, I think.  For quite some time there, if an air current passed by, my nails would break.  Okay, not really, but I've been doing so good at not ripping my nails.  Wearing dark gray, blue, purple, red nail polish...having fun, freaking out my girls because they're not used to seeing color on my hands.  And then, I guess they grew to the crappy part.  Which makes sense.  My hair was falling out SO MUCH.  I was quite concerned.  Then, added biotin...and it took some time, but it has slowed down to almost nothing.  And I'm watching my nails and they're now back to normal.  I think I love biotin.  If you're not taking it, and you're on this diet, GO GET SOME!  Take it.  Take it now.  Your hair, nails, and supposedly skin will thank you.

Day 3 - 174.6.  Well...that number didn't go down, but it didn't go up.  Having the number stay the same is good motivation to get some sweating exercise in today.  Which is what I need...because I really do not care for exercising.  In an effort to be positive, because I need to look for good things, too much pain out there, more good news!  I think those headaches were sugar related...they haven't been around for a few days..*knock on wood*...

Day 4 - 175.4.  Is it the heavy salt?  When I'm used to hardly any salt?  Dunno.  

Day 5 - 174.4.  Okay...maybe it's 'game on'...maybe yesterday was a fluke?  Or just a normal weight movement?  I'll make sure I get my walk in today...I'll do two miles...

Day 6 - 174.0.  That's a surprise.  See, last night, just before ordering my husband's cheesy bread and hot wings, he kind of barked at me for no reason.  Okay.  No 'kind of'...he did.  Very unusual.  Which then led to an evening of jokes at his expense.  Anyway.  Had a moment of weakness/stupidity.  I ordered myself parmesan bites.  They were good.  Made sure I did my hoe-downs..still expected to gain poundage.  Perhaps there is hope for weighing a normal weight.  Seeing as how if you eat normally, you don't gain weight!  What a concept.  

Day 7 - 174.8.  Well, I'll not freak.  I feel hormonal and puffy.  Amazing how losing 30 pounds can make you notice when you're retaining water...guess I was puffy and bloated more back then.  I'll ride this out.  Behave today and hope for a total loss for the week tomorrow morning...

Official weigh in from the end of my twenty-fourth week in the Cruise Phase:  174.4

.

Week twenty-four weight loss:  1.6

Total weight loss:  30.6

Two Confessions...Two Lessons...

1 - Hubby got called out, oh, about 2:00am this morning.  I loaded my gun and put it under the far side of his pillow (that helps me sleep when he's gone at night...far side so I don't accidentally knock it off...even though I don't venture onto his side) and then...

I ate two pumpkin spice covered chocolate malt balls.

I fully expected to have gained a few pounds when I stood on the scale this morning.

I didn't.  The number was lower than yesterday's number.

2 - There is a big mirror over my sink, there are huge mirrors around my garden tub.  I tell you this so you realize there is NO way to avoid seeing yourself in my bathroom.

Today, I have been very tired.  Before getting in the shower, I'm yawning and stretching and happen to look in the mirror and see a lump and think, "What the crap is that!?!!?"  I move and look closer, lift my arm up over my head, gingerly go to touch the lump...and...

It's my ribs.

You may now take a laughing break.

Apparently, I haven't seen my ribs for a long time.

So.  Crisis averted.  I don't need to go to the doctor.

It's just my ribs...showing up when I stretch...

Lessons learned?

Two malted balls do not make me fat.

Live so that having your ribs being a part of your life is normal.

Thank you Dr. Dukan.  I can feel my hip bones...I can feel my ribs...that's cool.

Week 23 - Cruise Phase

Start:  180.4

Day 1 - 180.4.  Well.  I misspoke.  I said I'd never see that number again.  Never say never.  I didn't intend on seeing it again.  And after...almost a month of not getting on the scale.  Of eating whatever the hell I wanted, and a bunch of stuff that I didn't want...here I am.  That's a good month lost...or gained, whichever way you want to look at it.  I'm not going to feel guilt.  No point in that.  It is what it is.  It was decisions I made to not even think about it.  And now, I get to think about it.  Already this morning, I was all...okay, so eat a cookie...eat that biscuit...you can start at lunch.  Nope...I didn't.  I had some turkey sausage, my oat bran cereal and mug of milk.  And for the rest of the day, I'll be true to that 100 foods list...well, the protein side.  And thus begins my final stint on this cruise phase.  **update at the end of the day...I drank my water, I ate my oat bran, I ate roasted chicken, without the skin, nonfat cottage cheese, turkey patties, the fake crab stuff, boiled egg, a zero carb no sugar chocolate ice cream bar...diet dr. pepper...what I did NOT eat were these amazing cookies that I know are in the freezer.  It was a new recipe...ended up being so very good...I just need to mail them to my daughters...get them out of the house.  It wasn't the easiest day.  But I did it, I'm going to bed now before I get weak.  Oh...and I did my mile walk with Leslie Sansone.  I'll do a little T-Tapp in the bathroom...get back down where I was so I can keep on keeping on.

Day 2 - 179.4.  One pound down.  Twenty to go.  I'm taking one moment of 'if only', then I'm leaving it behind... I had been 11 pounds away.  Okay.  That's over.  Hubby is off today and tomorrow.  He's very supportive, so he may be eating cereal...right now, I'm not much up for cooking different food for him.  We'll see.  Today...I shall persevere.  I made it yesterday, I can make it today.  I think I'll get those cookies out of the freezer and ship them to my daughters.  Then I won't see them.  I'm looking forward to my turkey patties...that's just silly, eh?  Did a two-mile walk today.

Day 3 - 178.4.  Another one gone.  Headache galore.  Lack of sugar headache?  Don't know.  I also remembered yesterday that I had found that drinking a Propel water every day helped...so I bought some and will sneak that into the movie today (ssshhh...).  Not going to do the 2-mile walk today, it makes my hips scream.  Maybe I'll do it once a week...see if my joints approve of that decision.  Stick to my T-Tapps and throw in the 1-mile walk.  Got some sugar-free jello and pudding.  See if that helps when I'm having a munchy attack.  I tell you, I get the munchies enough...good thing I've never done drugs...I'd be a roly-poly instead of chunky.  Although, I am leaving chunky behind.  Perhaps I'm just 'padded' now, and not 'chunky'.  Still no desire to cook other food for my husband.  Good thing we're going on a date tonight.  I just need to find a place where I can get meat, meat, and an egg.

Day 4 - 178.2.  Oh..today I am sad.  The hometown of my adult life had 6 officers shot last night.  One died during the wee hours of the night and I was on the phone with my brother...a cop in that same town...and my heart and soul are just so sad.  Saying the words aloud to my husband this morning, it was surreal.  To say, one 'bad guy'...six officers shot...  I'll take the .2 loss.  But right now, I'm feeling a bigger loss and am just so very sad.

Day 5 - 178.2.  Well...it didn't go up.  I walked a mile yesterday...didn't eat anything I wasn't supposed to (even though, at the beginning of the week...here's my twisted confession...i told myself to do it three days and i could have a cookie...yesterday was that day, and i did NOT have a cookie...well, i had my 'fake' dukan cookie...but not the real cookie)...drank my water, had my propel, only had a tiny headache.  And didn't lose any weight.  But I didn't gain any.  I signed up on facebook for this month long weight loss challenge that a tv station in Utah is doing, they don't seem to mind that I don't live there.  Fridays are 'accountability day'.  I emailed in my weight.  I'm happy that there was a negative movement from Tuesday (which is when it started).  Don't know if I'll hit 10 pounds, but that's not the point.  I'll lose as I lose.  Get healthier bit by bit.  Feel better.  Physically and mentally.  And already, I notice the difference in how I feel...not eating sugar and crap.  I always thought those people were ridiculous..those people who say that sugar bogs you down.  Turns out, they are right.

Day 6 - 178.0.  More sadness.  One of my dear friends received a text from her husband of 15-years ending their marriage.  A text.  And that's all she got because then he turned his phone off.  I am stunned.  We are all stunned.  So even though this is my weight loss blog...I have to say...satan gets the best of us...because this guy?  One of the good ones!  Their marriage?  One of those ones that you watch and smile.  Their family?  Tight...and now...my friend is going through hell...their four children are going through hell...and I feel helpless because I cannot do a thing to help...because they have to feel the anger and pain no matter what.  Sigh.  So I tell my husband, just tell me you'll never do that to me.  He gives me a look and said we already said that before we got married.  I said yeah...I'm a girl...just tell me again.  So he told me again.  And I did NOT eat cookies.  To clarify further: I didn't eat A cookie either.  I did, however, about die when I did the challenge on that facebook thing...to stop right now and do 100 jumping jacks and tell them how long it took you...jeepers...I thought it'd be easier than it was.  Maybe I'll do it again...

Day 7 - 177.4.  I'll take that number!  And yes, I still want a cookie.  But when I go days without, it's easier to not..knock on wood... (yes, i knocked on wood, don't mess with that stuff!!!)  Tomorrow morning will be my 'official' weigh in though.  And the new number for next week's start...can't have a cookie and mess up the downward path.  However..I am excited for dinner...because I have an awesome topping for my turkey burgers on PV days.  Last night, hubby asked me if I wasn't tired of turkey patties yet...I said nope..surprisingly so.  Not tired of my hot oat bran cereal...not tired of cooking up my turkey patties in the Foreman Grill...probably because of all the spices I use to compensate for not using salt.  I will have to post the recipe I found for the turkey burger stuff...here's to a day of music at church and no sugar/flour/etc!

Official weigh in from the end of my twenty-third week in the Cruise Phase:  176.0

Week twenty-three weight loss:  4.4 lbs

Total weight loss:  29 lbs

Week 22 - Cruise Phase

(...this post sat unposted for 3 weeks...)

Start:  170.6

Day 1 - 170.6.  Well...go figure...work the plan and the numbers go down!  Got the last pajamas box today..for some reason, they split the order..whatever.  This was one of the girls' Christmas Eve jammies and that little nightgown I bought.  Hubby was playing one of his war video games, so I took it into the bathroom...completely in the frame of mind of seeing how far I need to go and if there's any way it'll fit for Christmas...IT FIT!!!  Granted, I'm not a model underneath, but...IT FIT!!!  Did you get that?  A medium.  Told hubby about it a few hours later because I was about to pop...even though I did text my sister.  He doesn't get to see it, I just told him it's a frickin' medium and it fit...and my eyes teared up.

Day 2 - 169.6.  I did the happy dance in the bathroom!  Seriously NEVER thought I'd see the 160's again.  Course, I never thought I'd see the 170's.  Now...I know these numbers go up and down slightly as I'm going along, but I hope to never see a 17-something again!  169.6.  Unreal.  Let us go for more mind blowing numbers.

Day 3 - 173.0.  What the hell?!?  As happy as my happy dance in the bathroom was yesterday...well, my scowly face was just as strong...as I got on and off the scale...on and off...on and off...got 170.4...172.8... I debated not posting the first number and then thought..oh well.  There it is.  In all it's glory.  Bleah.  Bleah.  And bleah.  I'll just do my best today and hope it's some weird water thing...strive to have my final number this week be in the 160's.  Shaking my head here...still scowling...so NOT what I meant by writing 'let us go for more mind blowing numbers'...

Day 4 - 171.4.  Okay...at this point, you just have to laugh.  Well, maybe not laugh...but definately chuckle.  Because it's just ridiculous.  Focus on the positive...enjoy eating veggies today...make sure I get my water and some exercise in...and just keep going forward.  

Day 5 - ... I weighed myself a few minutes after 5...I do not remember the number.  170-something.  And I wasn't happy with it.  Got hubby off to work...went back to bed.  And now?  I don't remember.  And I'm having a "polite" text discussion with my daughter right now when all I want to do it yell at her...and chuck all her Christmas presents out into the street and run over them...then back up over them...then run over them again.  And maybe repeat the process.  A few times.  I'm a bit angry.  And I am trying to not be an emotional eater right this moment.  And I'll try to keep that up.  And other than that, it's the best I can do right now.

Day 6 -  172.6.  So as I'm staring at my scale and that "lovely" number, I get to thinking about this stalling that I've done.  And the thought enters my head:  I don't care.  And then I get to thinking about why I don't care and I think because I have enough on my plate to figure out how to put to rest and my weight loss just isn't a priority right now.  Then I get to thinking about why that is and I get to wondering how long this has been going on.  And then...I realize the timing.  And I realize why.  And the "I don't care" thought makes complete sense.  So.  Now that I know, what do I do?  Shrugging here...don't know.  Because...it's not at the top of my priorities.  Getting a grasp on what my "new" reality is...getting a grasp on what I want from life and how to get there...that and the Christmas program for church is at the top of my list.  Christmas shopping is completed...I'm 90% looking forward to Christmas...anxious about my hands and the music...just accepting life for what it is and figuring out what to do.  Weight isn't there anymore.  Perhaps because I'm 30-35 below where I used to be?  Probably.  Not that I'm abandoning the Dukan Diet.  I'm not.  I'm just acknowledging that there are other issues in front of me that I've been putting first... I do believe I'll get to 159.  I do not know when, but at least I believe it now...whereas before, I never thought I'd see 180 again.  And now?  I'm never seeing it again...from a different direction.  And I am grateful for the tools that I have now to keep me away from that number.  

Day 7 -

Official weigh in from the end of my twenty-second week in the Cruise Phase:

Week twenty-two weight loss:

Total weight loss:

Why Now...

Losing weight isn't something that a chunky person can just do.

Trust me on that.

I believe it's a series of events that lead up to the decision, the breaking point, the final determination that it's happening now.  I've been thinking about what led me to mine.  Which was more than a year in the making.  And I don't find that odd.  Are you chunky?  Were you chunky?  It's a process your heart, soul, and brain have to go through.  Here are some of my reasons...in no particular order...and keep in mind, these are spread out over an amount of time...

* Driving my car crammed full of youth and their luggage for a church activity 1 1/2 hours from home...it was a lovely drive...I love "my" teenagers...  At one point, they were looking at pictures on my ipod.  I'm watching one girl's face as she's staring at my wedding photo...she said, "that's you?"  I said yup.  She stared at it for quite a long time.  I knew what she was thinking...and then she said it...words that are seared into my memory, "You were hot!"

Awhile back, she grabbed me at church and said, "You're losing weight!!!"  I told her that she was one of my big motivators...I then tell her this story from 1 1/2 years ago...she was mortified and apologized.  I said no need, she didn't say it to be mean, and I completely agreed with her.  I'm grateful to her for that.

* My sister just younger than me.  She does that mean Jillian Michaels workout.  I didn't even make it through the first session.  My 'quiet' sister?  She does the whole thing!  She says that she is a queen.  I am impressed.  And although she always has gorgeous legs, she's looking so good.  If she can do it, I can do it.

* My sister down one more...my mental twin...holy cow.  She is determined!  She is losing weight.  She says at a slow but permanent pace.  I say I don't care the pace, she looks so good.  I don't get to see her very often and when I saw her last spring, I about cried.  I was so happy for her, so proud of her, and so frustrated with myself.  Because I want that!  We're the same height...I'm 6 1/2 years older...realistically, I could look like that and it was my own fault that I didn't.  Step it up.  Just have to do it.

* Two nieces of mine...that used to work out together.  They introduced me to T-Tapps.  Which I'll be forever grateful.  They seemed to have fun working out together. ???  Fun..working out?  Unless it's a hike, I do not understand.  But they got a bug in my head...and it wouldn't leave...

* Years back, I said to my doctor that I was overweight...that was poundage ago, but I was overweight.  He looked at me and said, "You're perfect how you are."  Nice, but not true.  And it stuck with me.  The nice, but not true part.  The desire to have that be a true statement.  I'll never be Elle...that's okay.  I can be perfect how I am at 159.  Or 155.  Or thereabouts.

* I hated my clothes.  I hated buying clothes.  I hated how I looked in clothes.  And out of clothes.  :)

* My BMI number had me in the morbidly obese range.  Me.  Morbidly obese.

* Dr. Dukan said perseverance.  Perseverance.  Perseverance.  That's a powerful word.

* Watching the series 'Addicted to Food' on OWN.  I love that series.  Wish they'd do more episodes.  I need to check on hulu and see if it's available to rewatch.

* My 'new' old doctor used to be fat.  I would have never guessed.  She's one of those elegant ladies that always looks perfect, even on no sleep...which I do not understand...my makeup fades and everyone knows. This lady...was fat.  And she isn't anymore and hasn't been for so long.  She said she believed in me.  Realistically, she probably forgot about me five minutes later, but...she remembered me a few months later when I returned and had lost almost 30 pounds, lowered my cholesterol enough to not need meds, etc.

* My daughters are adults now.  You often hear about how guys say to look at the girl's mom...you'll see how they're going to end up.  My mom was a skinny minnie.  I don't want any potential mates looking at me and thinking, "hmm...well...guess she'll gain weight...look at her chunky monkey momma..."  I just don't want that.

* I don't want an ugly mom-of-the-bride dress.  I do not want it.  I don't want the miserable shopping experience.  I want to be happy and just enjoy the days as they happen...feeling good in my clothes makes it possible to forget about that part.

* My husband's face as he smiles and says he's proud of me.  And how his arms go around me more because they can.  That feels good...to be wrapped up more instead of them not going around me as much.

* Don't pretend you don't know this one: looking forward to the day when my thighs and butt match the toilet seat instead of being bigger.  You know what I'm talking about.

* My mom called me 'Fatso' growing up.  It was a term of endearment.  I was skinny.  Once, she said, that she only used it for skinny people, so no worries if she used the word.  It was when she stopped calling you that...well...you get the picture.  If mom were alive today, she wouldn't have called me 'Fatso' for a very long time.  I want to be where my mom would have called me 'Fatso' again.  Don't get all PC on me...it was never said in a mean way and my mom didn't look down on chunky folks.  It's just something I remember...

Those are most of the things that got me here.  Those are things I think about.

Perseverance.