Start: 176
Day 1 - 176. Can I tell you how much it sucks to have gained two pounds last week? Nope...I am highly disappointed. I have only myself to blame. I need to get my head back in the game. Or maybe my heart. Or maybe both. Or go try on "the pants"...and "the t-shirt". Or all three. I know that part is just being tired...but again, I only have myself to blame for the pounds...so, no whining. I know that part is frustration with my husband for not doing anything about his weight. But, I have zero control over that, I need to let go of the feelings that go along with that...I'd quit buying crap for him, but when I do...oh my. Let the male whining begin. Course, I could kiss him and go in a different room. But then, he's a grown man with a debit card and if I have crap here, he tends to go a little easier on the crap he buys out there. And with the training we're going through as a board...and watching Oprah's LifeLessons...I'm facing myself and what I've been doing for the past 4+ years...the stupid limbo that I put myself in. The stupid pretending that all is well when the folks I lived with had the worst attitudes about this place that people could have...and how that has completely worn me down. How I haven't been living my "true life"...haven't been being my "true self". Don't know if I need to face all that before I can finish this journey...but while typing that, I cringe...I don't believe that. I just need to figure out how to work through my internal muck while completing this phase and getting to phase three...which I really really want to get to...but which I really really wish it was already here. And perhaps, I just need to let my fingers do some therapy here...might be a good idea. Don't want to gain weight this week. And that's a decision I'll have to make over and over each day. Maybe I need a list of the twelve steps...
Day 2 - ... I'm not weighing today. I realize I'm not following Dr. Dukan's guidelines. But I also realize that I need to get my head back together. So I'm breathing. And thinking. And I need to make the correct choice a few times a day instead of thinking about how much longer this is going. At a church meeting tonight, it was brought up that there are a lot of adversities in life...not as many sins...and for the few sins that we do have, there are wounds behind...find the wounds, quit focusing on the sins...don't ignore the sin, still take care of it, but what are the wounds. What are mine? I know fat isn't sin...but we can relate the two things. Because, I will always believe, there are emotional reasons for overeating...gotta conquer mine. Or at least face them. I do need to give myself a pat on the back for good choices tonight. Ate some chicken...instead of "sneaking" something off the list...I got one of my Breyer's ice cream bars that are Dukan friendly.
Day 3 - ... Yeah, taking the weekend off from the scale. Ate tacos yesterday. I'll have soup today. Tomorrow will be a protein day. I'll see what damage I have done by stepping on the scale. And believe the numbers. It dawned on me that my head is still completely in the 200's. I'm not there. I need to believe that. I appreciate the changes..but haven't accepted them..perhaps..
Day 4 - 178. Didn't want to type that number. But I did. There it is. A stinkin' higher number. And I accept the blame/credit. Had a thought...I seriously never thought I'd see 180 again. Seriously. It was a depressing part of my psyche...to just believe that I'd be fat for the rest of my life and not like how I looked. And now I am below that number that used to be my goal number. And I seriously do NOT want to see it again. So in steps God in the way of a small miracle and I get a comment from a fellow Dukan Diet participant. And I see that she messed up...and it's okay...the sky didn't fall...no one hates her...and she didn't even express hatred towards herself. Wow. So. I shall do my Dukan food today. I shall do my T-Tapps. I shall make sure I'm drinking my water. And I will take a nap. And tomorrow, I hope to not have bad feelings towards my scale when the digital numbers hold still...
Day 5 - 177.0. How good am I at denial? Oh, my friend, oh so good. How good? I have no idea of my numbers..because I was at 174 and went up...because of crap I put in my mouth...and so when I got on my scale this morning, I thought...hmmm...well, at least it didn't go up. I thought I was 177 yesterday also. So, pleasant surprise just now...yesterday it was 178! That's especially good news because I held strong yesterday and was 100% true to the protein list. Wasn't the easiest thing...because of the *ahem* not holding true to that foods list...that has been my behavior. Like, how many times can a person eyeball a loaf of bread before they are labeled ridiculous? However many times that is, consider me ridiculous...I was even starting to crack myself up...I threw away the rest of that other loaf...bought country white bread for him...and there's NO WAY I'm going down that road. Bread, being my favorite food (i could live on GOOD bread and water and be perfectly happy), if I start eating white bread, I'm lost. I'm gone. Can't do it. So. Today, I'm choosing to stay true to it also. Gotta get my determination going...going to tape up a few of that timeline that Dr. Dukan made for me inside a few of the cupboards for me to stare at...and see his word: perseverance. Hell, I previously persevered through two complete failures of marriages...I can persevere through this. But folks, I will be eating Thanksgiving meal with my husband and daughters. Period. I'll not have seconds, but I'm making the meal, and I'm eating small portions of what I make. I'll look forward to that.
Day 6 - 176.8. Okay. So I stuck to it yesterday...and the number went down again. So I guess I can decide to stick to a protein day today. And hopefully see that number go down again tomorrow? *knock on wood* I've already eyeballed that loaf of bread this morning...and yes, I humor myself. Seeing as how he doesn't eat sandwiches very often, I may not be buying even the white bread. Ate a boiled egg with paprika and mustard powder instead of getting into that bag. I shall do my T-Tapps. I shall eat protein. I shall go to the library. I shall pay bills...that's enough to make any desire for food go away, eh? I shall not go off the 100 foods list...well, smaller since today isn't a protein/veggie day...but, today, I will be good.
Day 7 - 175.8. Well. That's something. And something I needed. Because, well...I already woke up in a down mood. So I wasn't thrilled about my daily morning meeting with my "friend", the scale. But the number was good to see. I shall do my best to change my attitude today. To accept what is. I will do my T-Tapps, and pat myself on the back. I will do things on my list...finish my incredibly boring book on cd so I can get to a good one...and I will enjoy my protein/veggie day and appreciate the foods I eat instead of eyeballing bread and wishing for things that aren't good for me. That's my choice today.
Official weigh in from the end of my fifteenth week in the Cruise Phase: 175.0
Week fifteen weight loss: 1
Total weight loss: 30
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