Oprah & Secrets

What does this have to do with the Dukan Diet?  Stick with me here...

I watched more of Oprah's shows during her last season than her other 24 years all put together.

And then, I watched the behind the scenes series that she had on OWN.  It was fun.

And then, she brought Rosie O'Donnell to her network and gave her a talk show...which made me happy because I love Rosie doing talk shows.  She brings an energy that I enjoy.

And right after that, is Oprah's Life Lessons...or Life Class...or something.  But it just started last week and each day she focuses on something she learned from a show or shows of hers from the past 25 years.

It's getting a little tricky to watch.  Because she hits on things that I need to pay attention to.  Like, following your instinct...and listening to your inner voice...and living your true life.

Thursday, she had a show about secrets.  She said:

Smacked me something good.  This board training that we're taking right now is already having me face things...first, it was how I am on the board and how I could be...then, that kind of spread to my personal life...and how I have been, and how I could be.

Expectations...not necessarily others expectations...I mean, I REALLY am enjoying that part of getting into one's 40's.  It's those expectations that we put on ourselves.  Which are usually higher than what others put on you...but, by the same token, we know ourselves better than others do, right?

So.  I've been pretending to be something other than I am.

It's been a rough 4+ years.

We came here and I knew it was temporary.  My problem?  I invested as such.  And I've shortchanged myself.  I haven't made real friends...which makes for lonely days.  I haven't gone out and become a part of things.  Which is kind of contradictory because I have...I'm on four boards, just got roped into being one of the legislative folks for the main board, in a book club...but I'm not really invested.  Not the inner me.  Not me.  That's on me.  That's my failure.

At first, I lived with three people who hated it here...daughter graduates and gets the heck out of here as fast as she can, didn't even wait to go on a family vacation.  Then, I lived with two people who hated it here...daughter graduates and gets the heck out of here as fast as she can, didn't even wait until she was 18.  I choose to believe it wasn't me they were running from...even though I have things I need to work on with them, but it was this place and they wanted back to their "home".  Then, I lived with my husband...who hates it here.  And in dealing with the empty nest thing...I gave.  I got worn out from keeping a "good attitude".  It's gone.  I'm tired.  I'm ready for the next step.  It's been 4+ years of limbo.  Of waiting.  And now I'm able to figure out what I want to be when I "grow up"...and my options are beyond limited... 

So I've been faking that I'm okay.  That I'm happy.

Because I am not okay.  And I am not happy.

I'm not unhappy...there are many blessings in my life...but I'm not happy.

And I'm supposed to be happy.

I'm supposed to be doing something with my life.

And I'm not.

And I'm angry at myself for that...disgusted with myself...is that a reason for self-sabotage?  I don't know.  But I do need to figure out how to get on with things.  To get rid of the stagnation that has become my life.  I am wasting time and that is something I can't get back.  I'm wasting opportunities...even though I have no idea what they are...and my emotional bleah/angst HAS to have influence on my weight.

So me posting this may make my chest tighten with anxiety, but I'm posting it anyway.

Because it's part of my truth...and I need to stop pretending and start enjoying life.