Getting Back...

Well folks.  I've been "radio silent" for awhile.

I haven't even looked to see how long.  But know that I'm aware and I am moments from my return.

I think I was tired.  And now, I am sick and tired of being tired.

And leaving the Dukan Diet, regardless of my intentions of it being temporary and getting right back on, hasn't been this fun and games thing.  I mean, I have had sugar.  And loads of it.  But it hasn't really helped.  And I'm kind of tired of sweet tastes.  ?!??  I know!  Never thought I'd have that feeling.  But, I don't like how I feel.  I don't like how I look with the regained weight.  And I gave away two big bags of clothes, so there isn't even the "safety zone" in bigger sizes in my house.  And heaven knows I'm NOT buying bigger sizes.

So.  Tomorrow, I am eating my oat bran cereal.  I am making myself some chicken tortilla soup (except I forgot tortillas, so we'll forget about that).  I shall have my last two cookies and Monday morning (I SOOO hate it when my husband does this...but I mean it) I am back, 100% to my 100 approved foods.

Period.

And I'm going to my goal.

Because I am kind of missing the 170-ish body that I had going on there...and I'm looking forward to seeing what it does at numbers below that.  AND...because, I realized that I have the old lady arms that keep waving after I've finished waving...if you know what I'm saying.

So.  I kick 2011 to the curb.

I accept that my feelings will continue to be hurt by family members who choose to believe the worst about me...when it's not even mine to own.

I accept that my daughter is looking for happiness and believes that she'll find it with either a girlfriend or a boyfriend...phew...I about teared up there, typing it out.  Whom she kisses doesn't diminish her value as a human being nor my love for her.  She knows where I stand...I know where she stands...we still love each other and I refuse to let any of my children's decisions cut me out of their lives.  And at the end of the day, I have to stand by my belief that our lives are between each of us and our maker.

I accept that my daughter is probably more private than I am.  Accepting that, and respecting that, I will be available and open should she choose to come to me with her stuff.  I'm not taking it as a hurt anymore.  She is her own person.  We love each other and need each other in our own ways.

I accept that my daughter is marching to her own drum.  I respect her ability to live her life 'out loud' instead of hiding who she really is for the comfort of others around her...like I have done for so many years.  Turns out, it really wasn't for others' comfort, it was for what I perceived their comfort to be...I have zero desire to stifle any of my daughters...so I will focus on the openness, communication, and companionship that we have between us and be grateful for the smart choices she makes.

My three daughters have heard all their lives that what I want for them is to be happy, wise, and healthy women.  Healthy...I meant mentally, but physically also...mentally more...because that helps everything else in life.  They have survived my idiotic choices in life and are now checking the world out for themselves.  They are incredible people...capable of most anything they set their mind to.

Now...I need to do that for myself.

Be happy.

Be wise.

And be healthy.

So I will do that.

I'm not quite sure how it'll be accomplished, but I live with a good man.  Even with his faults, he does good by me.  I will trust that more and vocalize my needs more...once I figure them out...or rather, as I figure them out.

2012 will be good.

I will NOT be a fat mother-of-the-bride...I will NOT be a fat stepmom-of-the-groom.  Shopping for my dresses will be fun.  Not a soul crushing chore.

I will figure out my place in the world.

I will leave 2012 better than I found it.

And I head into this year, accepting that the only thing I have control over is myself.  My thoughts, my actions, my deeds.  Number one on the list is to get rid of these lumpy bumpy excess fat rolls.

I'm taking my biotin so I ought to keep my hair now...seriously, if you're not taking biotin, get to the store now and buy some!

And...finally...I accept that I will lose more boobage.

A sad thing indeed.

Week 21 - Cruise Phase

Start:  173.2

Day 1 -  173.2.  Not as bad as I thought it might be.  It's a place to start.  Whatever this mind thing has been for the past few weeks, it's leaving.  I'm getting annoyed with myself.  I'm almost there.  To the weight I'm aiming for and to the next dosage of determination I need.  This hasn't been the easiest year...loads of growing opportunities, if you catch my drift.  This month has been...enlightening...difficult...exhausting mentally, physically, and spiritually.  But I can only do what I can do...and that's only about myself.  So.  Did a little online Christmas shopping...got Christmas Eve jammies for my children...and...yup.  Got a black "jammies" for myself.  In medium.  Let the hubby be surprised and bring on Christmas Eve!  Medium...size medium...

Day 2 - 172.2.  Watching a show last night.  A personal trainer was explaining how this woman needs to figure out how to deal with her stress because until she gets her mind and body on the same road, she's not going to see progression with her weight loss.  I almost broke into tears.  That's what this year has been about...getting my ducks in a row.  Lots of factors went into this.  And then, this year...bleah...and this month....sigh...I'm getting back to me.  And "me" is not double-digit sized.  Not to say that a size 10 isn't acceptable.  BUT, I am short.  I ought to be able to have size 8's in my wardrobe that fit my body.  Clothes shopping ought not be a miserable experience.  I'll not be a skinny minnie, don't want to be that.  I want to be able to eat food..  Just want to match the me in my mind with the me in the mirror.  Need to get more settled in my mind and soul.  I'm getting there.  Which may explain the restlessness to finish this cruise phase up.

Day 3 - 172.0

Day 4 - ... silent ...

Day 5 - 173.2.  I'm working on it.  Getting my head together.  Getting my will power turned on and determination set in.  I can do it.  I know I can.  Finish this phase.  Get life re-centered.  Move along move along...yeah, that's a song...

Day 6 - 173.something.  Sigh.  Letting go of images of how I want life to be, and accepting what is...that's difficult.  Going to bed last night and saying: that's enough...and waking up this morning...and knowing that if I maintain today or "cheat", it's up to me...and deciding...oh...I do NOT even know how many times today I have decided to stick to the 100 foods list.  It's almost bedtime...and I have not had any non-Dukan foods today.  It has not been easy.  But then, I got to thinking about this summer...and it wasn't easy...but I did it.  And I can do this for a bit more.  I have lost and kept 30 pounds GONE.  Gone.  That's what I did.  No one else.  Considering that?  I've already done most of it.  Getting to 159 will only take months if I keep half-assing it.  Don't want to do that.  Don't want to play with the numbers.  Don't want to dread getting on the scale.  Don't want to hide a cookie in my pocket (basketball shorts).  Don't want to do that.  I want to finish this journey...so I need to do it.  Because no one else can do it for me.  That kind of sucks.  :)  Anyway.  Gold star for me today.

Day 7 - 172.4.  Today, I am once again, a Dukaner.  And folks...if you're reading this...my advice is: once you start, don't stop until you reach your goal...and here we go to my goal weight.  If I hadn't been a 80-95%'er, I would should have hit my weight yesterday...  Darn my hide.  

Official weigh in from the end of my twenty-first week in the Cruise Phase:  170.6

Week twenty-one weight loss: 2.6

Total weight loss:  34.4

Week 20 - Cruise Phase

Start:  ...

Day 1 -  ...  Meant to be home late tonight.  But the normal 4 hour drive turned into 17 1/2 hours of car time.  Not "drive time"...cuz we weren't able to drive all that time.  Winter Warning Weather means something 'round 'bout these parts.  But it was a good time for conversation with my daughter.  Since moving out, she's put on some weight...it's effecting her..when she shops, etc.  I try to tell her to do this...she won't be on very long, she'll be in the consolidation before I am...and she loves protein, so it won't be difficult for her.  We'll see.  Other than that, I tried to do better today with my stuck wherever it is that I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere-options.  And I'm just too tired right now to make myself some oat bran.  The first day in these 20 weeks that I haven't had my oat bran...it's one of my favorite things to eat in my day-to-day life.  I'm just too tired to take care of it.  

Day 2 - ... Oh dear.  What was that number...172?  It's gone...I didn't come type it down and now I cannot remember.  Which may be a good thing..it couldn't have been bad-bad or I'd remember, eh?  It couldn't have been a 16- number, or I'd remember.  

Day 3 - ... Playing blog catch-up.  Busy with church and food...choir was cancelled so I was just able to enjoy the evening with my husband and daughter.  I had a plate of food.  Didn't go overboard.  Didn't have big servings.  And I was fine.  Didn't go back for more.  Didn't scarf down my stuff.

Day 4 - ... Another driving day.  Had lunch with an old high school friend...sat and talked for hours.  That was good.  Visited with a sister...that was good...showed her how to do hoe-downs and butterflies...they made her tired which made me feel good because she's a thin person who exercises.  I'm used to the T-Tapps...I mean, I work at them, but they don't kick my butt like she was saying, "Phew!!"  Good moment.  Then visited with a cousin for a few hours, that was good therapy.  I'm not alone in the "not perfect family" club.  

Day 5 - ... Away from home...visited with my brother...got my hair done and enjoyed time with my hair person/friend...visited with another sister...then another sister...got some puzzles for the husband...then, took a sister to the store to get a visit in.  Went to see my girls.  I had a few words with my eldest, but she needs them said every once in awhile.  Explained to my middle daughter that she needs to quit hiding as much.  Didn't have many words for my youngest...we had just spent a few days together, including almost 22 hours in the car by ourselves.  We already took care of our stuff.  But over all, we had a good time.  The words were a few moments, we turned to laughing at Sophia Grace and Rosie and life.

Day 6 - ... Ready for a laugh?  So.  I snuck Tiny Spicy Chicken last night.  I say snuck because I didn't want grief from my girls...who are completely supportive of this diet that I'm on, even though, you can tell I haven't been following it completely...a strange sort of hybrid (mostly Dukan), while I get my crap in order.  Anyway. In the wee hours of this morning?  Whah...wah....oh man.  It was not good.  I don't know that I've had food poisoning before, but I know I have had it now.  Later on, helped my youngest make my signature pie for her to bring tomorrow to her boyfriend's family's Thanksgiving meal.  Took her to work.  Did the rest of my "while in real town" errands and made my way home.  It was SO good to be home with my husband.  Scared to weigh in tomorrow.  lol...wonder why that is?!

Day 7 - 172.4.  Wow!  Completely surprised me with that one.  It's been a rough month.  I've blown it on quite the few occasions.  Don't know that the number will be as good tomorrow morning, but.  Oh well.  I'm getting fed up with myself with not finishing this phase up already.  So.  It'll be happening shortly.  I would like to be in consolidation for 1 January 2012.  It can happen, but it's my deal.  So.  I'll eat my meat and peas and roll today and let it go for now.  I can eat it again soon.  It's okay, I'm not deprived.  

Official weigh in from the end of my twentieth week in the Cruise Phase:  173.2

Week twenty weight loss: ...

Total weight loss:  31.8

Week 19 - Cruise Phase

Start:  174.0

Day 1 - 174.  Gotta love consequences of one's actions, eh?  It has been a rather hellacious 1 1/2 weeks though.  So...I'll work on being grateful that I've cut out quite a few harmful eating behaviors/habits...otherwise, I probably would have horked down a few bags of candy, tons of bread, etc the past while.  Instead, I ate some of the meals I prepared for my husband...I did have a hamburger and a BLT...and cookies.  I ate a few cookies.  Overall..no...I still sucked.  Today is a new day.  This is a new week.  I shall NOT gain this week.  Even though I have some traveling and training coming up this week.  At the banquet dinner I shall refrain from the nasty banquet bread and dessert and bring my fake cookies with me to eat after it's over.  I'll just do better this week.  Gotta find my motivation again.  Maybe focus on the other night, when talking with my husband in bed after a difficult day (ha...that didn't differenciate any), I said I needed some positive strokes.  Being who he is, he proceeded to stroke my head and say, "positive...positive..."  Me, being in the state of mind that I was, about bawled.  Then he said he's proud of me and I'm looking gorgeous.  That there have been times lately that he's literally taking a double take.  I didn't know that.  So, of course, some tears come out of my head.  Focus on the upcoming shopping for mother-of-the-bride outfit.  Focus on future grandbabies and being able to run and play with them.  Focus on making that pile of 'too big' clothes a bigger and better pile for my niece.  Focus on what I have achieved thus far...because no matter how many time I mistype and write that I'm 200-and-something...I'm not.  And won't be again.  Period.

Day 2 - 172.8.  Well, that number surprised me.  Really didn't expect to see it.  I'll take it.  With a smile on my face.  Awesome news!  Tonight I zipped up my jacket!  That thing has hung open for years...because I couldn't zip it up.  But I did tonight!  I'm just happy that I can wear my leather jacket as intended again.  

Day 3 - 172.0.  Oh Happy Day!  That was my mini-celebration.  Okay.  So...my youngest daughter and I were talking on the phone last night, she asked how I was doing with my Fruit Loops (months ago when I said was doing this Dukan Diet...she thought I said Fruit Loops Diet...even got me a little box of Fruit Loops so show her support...), I told her fairly well.  Still doing it?  Still doing it...but not perfectly, need to get back in the groove.  Told her I was about 80% on...then corrected myself.  Honestly, it's more like 90-95%...leaning towards the 95.  So, that conversation was enlightening.  Need to give myself a break and acknowledgement for what I DO do.  So.  I was happy to see the number go down this morning...because it's validation of: I don't suck at this.

Day 4 - 171.8.  Another happy morning!  Except when I wasn't watching the microwave and my oat bran cereal boiled over...I looked at it all over the microwave plate thing...and thought: That's my food!  (I love my hot oat bran cereal...even moreso now that I add cinnamon and sugar free creamer)  Before (yeah, I should learn my lesson about now...), I'd just clean up the mess and eat what was still in my bowl.  Not today.  I want all of it.  So.  Clean up and start over.  And the scale gave me a lower number..I ate pumpkin seeds last night for the first time since starting this and thought that salt would hold onto a bunch of water.  I get nervous about salt now that I don't use it for myself.  

Day 5 - 171.8.  I'm okay with that.  Gearing up for going out of town.  The next week and a half are going to be crazy time.  Between going out of town for a training...going out of town to pick up a kid...two kids not coming home..."Thanksgiving"...going out of town to return said kid...staying there for a few days...back home...Thanksgiving..., I'm a bit overwhelmed.  Then, you add the lovely life drama that has been added to our plates as of late, and my desire to flip off most everyone...I'm in a GREAT place mentally.  So.  There you have it.  I want to just eat my oat bran cereal.  It'd make life a lot simpler.  Too bad it doesn't have all the nutrients I need.  

Day 6 - 171.8.  Yeah, I'll keep it.  It's not going up, that's a good thing.  No complaining about my weight at all today.  Traveled and avoided giving into fast food drive-thru temptations.  Got myself a salad with grilled chicken.

Day 7 - ... not home today...did mostly good.  Until the banquet.  I ate the food.  I didn't overeat, I didn't eat the potato...but I did eat a whole grain roll...and dessert.  Then I didn't feel good.  Not that I was bashing myself over the head, it was a decision I made...I physically didn't feel good.  I came back up to my hotel room...did my T-Tapps, to hopefully avoid to much damage.  Drank water.  Still feeling weird in the head.  Tomorrow is going to be a long day.  Only 10 1/2 hours of driving to do.  I'm SO excited.  Not.

Official weigh in from the end of my nineteenth week in the Cruise Phase:

Week nineteen weight loss: ... (not home to weigh myself)

Total weight loss: ...

Week 18 - Cruise Phase

Start:  170.6

Day 1 - 170.6.  11.6 to go...I could SO be in the 160's if I hadn't been being wishy washy the past few weeks.  Sigh.  Sucks when you only have yourself to blame.  Heck, I could be in the 160's if I hadn't been wishy washy this past week!  I could be at the 35 pounds gone mark right now instead of 34.4...I think I cheated every day last week.  Except for yesterday, and that was difficult, but I stayed on task.  I'm taking Biotin now, in addition to my vitamins, hopefully, that will help my hair loss slow down.  I normally lose hair more than I think necessary, but it always stays way thick...and then, come winter, it speeds up some, but, never this bad.  Then I think to rapid weight loss folks and they say they lose hair...so...on my PV days, I need to step up the colorful veggies.  That and the biotin, I'm hoping that will cure my ails.  As to today: I will do my Dukan Diet.  I will not eat off my list.  And even though I may have difficult moments here and there, and wishful thinking, I will persevere and be happier for it when I go to bed tonight.

Day 2 - 170.8.  Okay, enough of that!  Need to get rid of those .numbers so I can see if my ring fits again...I'm trying it on every 5 pounds...and it belongs on my pinkie.  

Day 3 - ... I neglected to get on the scale until a few hours later than normal...so, I'm choosing not to put the number down.  Honestly, I don't remember what it said...it wasn't a moment I was paying attention.  Then...later on...made another choice...it's been a rather *ahem* difficult day.  Been on the verge of tears all day, got called in last minute to play the organ at church for my "assistant"..was actually a huge blessing.  To sit there and just play hymns...and hear the words in my head...and then to hide behind the organ instead of running the chance of having someone say, "how are you?"  Talked with my bishop...that was good...talked with my husband...that was good...went back to church for a few hours of piano playing for choir...that was good...then COMPLETELY broke the sabbath and went to McDonalds...that wasn't good, but the burger was very good.  Husband looked at me...didn't say anything.  Could be, he didn't want to have me burst into tears.

Day 4 - ... Didn't weigh in.  Don't want to.  I'm feeling more at peace today.  We'll see if I can hang onto that feeling.  That's my goal for today.  Secondary goal: attack my to-do-list.  Third goal: do my Dukan thing properly.

Day 5 - ... Today is a "resentful" day.  In about every direction.  But, I'm tired of not seeing the scale go down, in fact, after the past few days (say hello to chicken parmesan, root beer cake, oh...a few more pieces of root beer cake..), it's gone up.  So.  Today, I voted...I went to my training meeting...I did a true Dukan protein day, complete with exercising and loads of water.  I didn't even eat the beans when testing them to see if they were properly cooked for my husband, I bit them in half and then spit them out.  Pat myself on the back and agree to do it again tomorrow.  Not make ham hocks and beans...stick to a Dukan day...the way it's supposed to be.

Day 6 - 175.0.  Yup.  That's my honesty.  Yikes.  And I only have myself to blame.  So...there will be moments today that may be difficult...but I will work through them and do my stuff correctly today.

Day 7 - 174.  lol...when I first typed that, I put 204...then I looked above and thought...175...204...something's not quite right...took me a moment to figure it out.  Then I laughed at myself.  Because my brain remembers the 4 from this morning and then it automatically puts "20" in front of it.  Hmmm...there could be a big problem in my head...?  And lovely.  I'll have gained weight this week.  Perhaps I'll eat another cookie.  :P~~~ 

Official weigh in from the end of my eighteenth week in the Cruise Phase: 174.0

Week eighteen weight loss: +3

Total weight loss: 31

Week 17 - Cruise Phase

Start:  171.6

Day 1 - 171.6.  So...yesterday, as I was doing some...*ahem*...self-sabotaging of my "diet"...I think I had a moment of figuring something out.  Not that anything is fixed, but knowledge is power...so, now that I realized it, I can work on getting over it.  Or ignoring it until it's a moot point.  What is it?  I'm scared of the 160's.  Don't know why.  Getting under 200 was unreal.  And happened fairly easy.  Being in the 190's and then out...unbelievable.  180's?  Came and went.  Then, in the 170's...where I never thought I'd be...and I'm doing these stupid things to not stick to the Dukan Diet 100%...and what's the deal with that?  I'm getting SO close.  

Day 2 - ... Didn't do so great yesterday.  It was just a bad day.  Almost all around.

Day 3 - ... Okay..so the scale said 172.something.  But I just don't want to put numbers down for a few days.  Because I'm in a funk.  Hubby says, what can I do?  I say, move us.  Silly me.  I know a move won't fix things.  But...you never know.  There may be a first time for a move to fix things.  And, to be fair, it will fix quite a few things.  I'm just tired and frustrated.  I'd say I need a jolt, but...I'm not going to...because I'm nervous about what God would send my way to give me a jolt.  I know better than to ask for something that I'm not sure of the outcome.  :)

Day 4 - ... At church yesterday, a nice lady pulled me aside and whispered at me, "have you been....you look really good!"  It was sweet how awkward she felt...not wanting to offend?  I didn't expect this reaction from people.  Happened at the board meeting last week also, the board chair saying he didn't want to offend me by asking.  ???  As if.  

Day 5 - ... Yesterday was Halloween.  I was prepared for Trick-or-Treaters.  I wasn't prepared for myself.  In the sense of: DO NOT BUY CANDY THAT I WANT.  Should have just stuck to the Whoppers and Peanut M&M's.  But no.  I bought Snickers also.  So, I'm thinking this morning about the Snickers that I ate yesterday.  And thinking...is it worth it?  In not getting my numbers to go down?  And I had a thought...it's just food.  And it doesn't make my brain feel good.  It doesn't make my hair lush and shiny.  It doesn't help my t-shirt look oh so much better on me.  It's just food.  I ought to treat it as such.  My hubby is making sounds about looking into the Dukan Diet for himself.  I'm just tired.  I want to jump into the consolidation phase...but I can't.  I need to work my way there...so I guess I ought to get to work again.

Day 6 - ... Yeah.  Got nothing to say.  (later today...)  Okay, maybe I have something to say now.  I spent a long time reading Dukan posts today.  Even mustered up courage and posted a question about hair loss.  Because, holy frickin' cow, my scalp and hair reacts too much to the seasonal changes, but this is ridiculous.  Found out I'm not alone.  Got some vitamin advice.  Went to the store.  Got a compliment.  Realized that I'm in November...that my date for hitting 'True Weight' is a few weeks away and I've messed that up.  I need to just do this.  Take care of business.  I'm 2/3 of the way there.  I have some problem, but since I can't figure out what that is, might as well ignore it.  Or bring it along.  Feel a little closer to kicking my butt in gear...

Day 7 - ... Getting closer.  Determination is kicking back in.  Got stuff to help my hair.  Have perfected my fake cookie recipe...for now... November is passing more with each day.  I may not make my true weight by Thanksgiving, but I will be in the 160's...and that'll only happen if I work the program.  So I'll work the program and Christmas will be a happy day..I'll get cute pajamas, instead of leaving myself out of the pajama presents because I didn't want fat nasty pj's while my girls wore the ones I wanted.  And I'll leave this year at my true weight and spend 2012 consolidating that number and then stabilizing it for life.  Sounds good, eh?  Oh...and I'm making myself pumpkin soup today for lunch.  I'm looking forward to it.

Official weigh in from the end of my seventeenth week in the Cruise Phase:  170.6

Week seventeen weight loss: 1

Total weight loss: 34.4

Week 16 - Cruise Phase

Start:  175.0

Day 1 -  175.0.  Alrighty.  I'm getting back on track here.  My bad...I'm working on my mental stuff...hoping to get out of my own way.  Correction: I'm getting out of my own way.  It may be slower than I'd hope, but that's cause I'm gathering courage...so, as long as I keep on keeping on...I'll be at a healthier place.  I'll be a happier place...not because I'm not fat, but because of all the bashing I did to myself for being over 200 pounds...for being, what I perceived to be, ugly...for not being able to enjoy clothes shopping, nor how things felt, nor for trying to not tear up in the dressing rooms.  Those are things I am more than delighted to leave in my past.  Now...for an interesting thing that happened yesterday.  After exercising, I'm getting ready to take a shower...sitting on, *ahem*, the "throne", and I happened to look down (lol...the mind of an overweight person, i am LOVING how my thighs are starting to fit the toilet seat instead of being way bigger) and noticed something odd about my tummy.  Yup, I still have one, BUT...it doesn't stick out more than my boobage anymore...and it's been getting less solid, more jello-ish...but yesterday?  That top "bulge" had a sort of small indent.  Kind of shelf-ish?  It wasn't a smooth arch.  It kind of gave up there...and I actually said out loud, "Well, isn't that interesting!"  Because, even though I haven't been a model Dukaner the past few weeks, there have still been changes happening...I'm taking some of the stuffing out of my fat tummy!  I'll take that.

Day 2 - ... No weigh in this morning because we spent last night at my brother-in-law's.  But.  I was out of town (re: around real fast food, real restaurants = BIG temptation), and I was even out a few times by myself doing some errands...and hungry on both occasions...and did NOT get off track.  On our way home last night, told hubby that I maintained..he asked if I had been tempted.  I said, heck yeah!  But, I stayed good.  Lunch was nasty, but that's more because of the choice of restaurant.  Dinner, I had a salad with grilled chicken.  I had packed my "fake cookies" and crunched on carrots.  So.  I thought I'd cheat, but I did not.  Go me!

Day 3 - 173.6.  Yeah!  We have broke into a new number!  I think...gives me incentive and encouragement. Which I need.  Also...the jeans I bought a few months ago, that I couldn't even pull up past my knees...I've been wearing them the past few weeks.  The first week or so, they were snug around the waist...the last week or so, they haven't been...I chalked it up to them "loosening" up.  But, they're expensive jeans (found for $4 at a thrift store...oh yeah!) and they don't do that.  Yesterday, while walking around, I had to keep hiking them up.  You know that point where pants are becoming annoying?  That's where these pants are...which is sad, because I really like them.  Make me feel good.  But...I'm starting to think it has something to do with the changes happening to my middle fat.  So, I do believe I'm going to go on eBay and look for these in a size smaller.  I'm seeing my girls in two weeks...maybe, just maybe, I'll be 170?  

Day 4 - 173.0.  Can I express the joy I felt this morning when the scale's numbers stopped at 173?  Nope...I cannot...because I woke up feeling a bit puffy...a headache...and wasn't feeling very hopeful when I got on the scale.  Even though I did good yesterday...so...there you have it.  I'm happy with the number.  At church, one of my people was eyeballing my belly...she shook her head and said that she's not too sure about this weight loss thing, that perhaps it's time to stop because I'm getting a bit too sexy for her.  A bit extreme, but a nice thing to say.  Like when my daughter looked at my face and said she's not sure she wants my face to get any skinnier...a nice compliment, but, I'm still too overweight and have a way to go...they're nice and I can file them away in my head for strength at weak moments.  Other than that, I think allergies are kicking my butt right now.  And I am working on kicking fat's butt.

Day 5 - 172.6.  There is hope.  Got stopped in the parking lot while shopping yesterday...one of the ladies from one of my boards said she meant to tell me at our last meeting that I'm looking good.  She said good job.  I said thank you...I appreciated it.  And I do.  

Day 6 - 172.4.  This morning, after logging in, and going to click on this post to edit and add this morning's number...I realize that I'm getting to the end of week 16.  That's 4 months!  I may have stumbled, not been perfect on this journey, but...I am so grateful that I decided to do this.  That I have basically stuck with this plan.  That my body is completely different than it was 16 weeks ago...that my blood counts are down from where they were 16 weeks ago...I did this.  And I will keep on going.  Mistakes and all...look at what I've done so far.  And if I hadn't started?  I'd still be hating...and have a few prescriptions...

Day 7 - 172.something.  I wrote 'something' because when I first got on the scale, it said 171.something.  I didn't believe it.  So I get on again...the numbers do their beep-beep-beep...and settle on 171.something again.  Still don't believe it (psst...ate a few things yesterday I ought not have...so of course, the scale will say 200, don'tchaknow).  Get on again...it says 172.something.  I think..well, okay...don't remember yesterday's...maybe that's real.  But now, I don't remember what the point number is.  But I'll sure behave myself appropriately today...because tomorrow is the weekly official weigh in...and I want to move my ticker down... Board meeting today, they'll be throwing food at me.  I'll be politely declining again.

Official weigh in from the end of my sixteenth week in the Cruise Phase:  171.6

Week sixteen weight loss:  3.4

Total weight loss:  33.4

Week 15 - Cruise Phase

Start:  176

Day 1 - 176.  Can I tell you how much it sucks to have gained two pounds last week?  Nope...I am highly disappointed.  I have only myself to blame.  I need to get my head back in the game.  Or maybe my heart.  Or maybe both.  Or go try on "the pants"...and "the t-shirt".  Or all three.  I know that part is just being tired...but again, I only have myself to blame for the pounds...so, no whining.  I know that part is frustration with my husband for not doing anything about his weight.  But, I have zero control over that, I need to let go of the feelings that go along with that...I'd quit buying crap for him, but when I do...oh my.  Let the male whining begin.  Course, I could kiss him and go in a different room.  But then, he's a grown man with a debit card and if I have crap here, he tends to go a little easier on the crap he buys out there.  And with the training we're going through as a board...and watching Oprah's LifeLessons...I'm facing myself and what I've been doing for the past 4+ years...the stupid limbo that I put myself in.  The stupid pretending that all is well when the folks I lived with had the worst attitudes about this place that people could have...and how that has completely worn me down.  How I haven't been living my "true life"...haven't been being my "true self".  Don't know if I need to face all that before I can finish this journey...but while typing that, I cringe...I don't believe that.  I just need to figure out how to work through my internal muck while completing this phase and getting to phase three...which I really really want to get to...but which I really really wish it was already here.  And perhaps, I just need to let my fingers do some therapy here...might be a good idea.  Don't want to gain weight this week.  And that's a decision I'll have to make over and over each day.  Maybe I need a list of the twelve steps...

Day 2 - ... I'm not weighing today.  I realize I'm not following Dr. Dukan's guidelines.  But I also realize that I need to get my head back together.  So I'm breathing.  And thinking.  And I need to make the correct choice a few times a day instead of thinking about how much longer this is going.  At a church meeting tonight, it was brought up that there are a lot of adversities in life...not as many sins...and for the few sins that we do have, there are wounds behind...find the wounds, quit focusing on the sins...don't ignore the sin, still take care of it, but what are the wounds.  What are mine?  I know fat isn't sin...but we can relate the two things.  Because, I will always believe, there are emotional reasons for overeating...gotta conquer mine.  Or at least face them.  I do need to give myself a pat on the back for good choices tonight.  Ate some chicken...instead of "sneaking" something off the list...I got one of my Breyer's ice cream bars that are Dukan friendly.  

Day 3 - ... Yeah, taking the weekend off from the scale.  Ate tacos yesterday.  I'll have soup today.  Tomorrow will be a protein day.  I'll see what damage I have done by stepping on the scale.  And believe the numbers.  It dawned on me that my head is still completely in the 200's.  I'm not there.  I need to believe that. I appreciate the changes..but haven't accepted them..perhaps..

Day 4 - 178.  Didn't want to type that number.  But I did.  There it is.  A stinkin' higher number.  And I accept the blame/credit.  Had a thought...I seriously never thought I'd see 180 again.  Seriously.  It was a depressing part of my psyche...to just believe that I'd be fat for the rest of my life and not like how I looked.  And now I am below that number that used to be my goal number.  And I seriously do NOT want to see it again.  So in steps God in the way of a small miracle and I get a comment from a fellow Dukan Diet participant.  And I see that she messed up...and it's okay...the sky didn't fall...no one hates her...and she didn't even express hatred towards herself.  Wow.  So.  I shall do my Dukan food today.  I shall do my T-Tapps.  I shall make sure I'm drinking my water.  And I will take a nap.  And tomorrow, I hope to not have bad feelings towards my scale when the digital numbers hold still...

Day 5 - 177.0.  How good am I at denial?  Oh, my friend, oh so good.  How good?  I have no idea of my numbers..because I was at 174 and went up...because of crap I put in my mouth...and so when I got on my scale this morning, I thought...hmmm...well, at least it didn't go up.  I thought I was 177 yesterday also.  So, pleasant surprise just now...yesterday it was 178!  That's especially good news because I held strong yesterday and was 100% true to the protein list.  Wasn't the easiest thing...because of the *ahem* not holding true to that foods list...that has been my behavior.  Like, how many times can a person eyeball a loaf of bread before they are labeled ridiculous?  However many times that is, consider me ridiculous...I was even starting to crack myself up...I threw away the rest of that other loaf...bought country white bread for him...and there's NO WAY I'm going down that road.  Bread, being my favorite food (i could live on GOOD bread and water and be perfectly happy), if I start eating white bread, I'm lost.  I'm gone.  Can't do it.  So.  Today, I'm choosing to stay true to it also.  Gotta get my determination going...going to tape up a few of that timeline that Dr. Dukan made for me inside a few of the cupboards for me to stare at...and see his word: perseverance.  Hell, I previously persevered through two complete failures of marriages...I can persevere through this.  But folks, I will be eating Thanksgiving meal with my husband and daughters.  Period.  I'll not have seconds, but I'm making the meal, and I'm eating small portions of what I make.  I'll look forward to that.

Day 6 - 176.8.  Okay.  So I stuck to it yesterday...and the number went down again.  So I guess I can decide to stick to a protein day today.  And hopefully see that number go down again tomorrow?  *knock on wood*  I've already eyeballed that loaf of bread this morning...and yes, I humor myself.  Seeing as how he doesn't eat sandwiches very often, I may not be buying even the white bread.  Ate a boiled egg with paprika and mustard powder instead of getting into that bag.  I shall do my T-Tapps.  I shall eat protein.  I shall go to the library.  I shall pay bills...that's enough to make any desire for food go away, eh?  I shall not go off the 100 foods list...well, smaller since today isn't a protein/veggie day...but, today, I will be good.

Day 7 - 175.8.  Well.  That's something.  And something I needed.  Because, well...I already woke up in a down mood.  So I wasn't thrilled about my daily morning meeting with my "friend", the scale.  But the number was good to see.  I shall do my best to change my attitude today.  To accept what is.  I will do my T-Tapps, and pat myself on the back.  I will do things on my list...finish my incredibly boring book on cd so I can get to a good one...and I will enjoy my protein/veggie day and appreciate the foods I eat instead of eyeballing bread and wishing for things that aren't good for me.  That's my choice today.

Official weigh in from the end of my fifteenth week in the Cruise Phase:  175.0

Week fifteen weight loss:  1

Total weight loss:  30

Comment Led To...

Found another Dukaner via a comment she left on my blog...very nice...I needed that this morning...as I was watering my plants and eyeballing my husbands whole grain bread...and repeating in my head, "I choose, for today, to follow the plan..."  Who am I kidding, if that is in this house, I'm going to eat it.

So, I'm going to throw it away (relax..there's only 4 or 5 slices left in the bag...not that I've counted or anything...) and not buy him this kind of bread again.  Because I'll eat a piece.  Or two.

Anyway...back to the nice lady...which happens to be the name of her blog:  L.A.D.Y.

And know what?  I'm not alone in struggling.

Yeah.  Seems obvious now...

Anyway...read some entries in her blog.  Seriously teared me up.  And then I looked at the blog links on the side of her page...and found a funny post...you can see it in it's original form here:  doesthisblogmakeuslookfat

.6 – That’s not a typo - sometimes the scale says you’ve lost POINT-SIX – or some other miniscule number.  This is NOT what you expect if you’re eating right, working on your fitness, and positively envisioning your rightful TWO POUNDS per week. This is the amount of weight you’d expect with say, a good burp.

Shows like The Biggest Loser make you think point-six is craptastic, diet-fail, ridiculous. But it is not. It’s a loss.  Whether it’s because you burped, just exfoliated, or used a Ped Egg. It is a loss.

It’s not a Biggest Loser amount it is a Smallest Loser amount. But guess what? We’re going to put things in perspective and feel good about less than one. Here are a few things to think about if you had a teeny tiny loss recently.

1. It’s a loss dufus – how many times have you gained? Lotsa.

2. The average sized hamster is five ounces. Losing MORE than an entire animal is impressive.

3. A hockey puck is between 5.5 ounces and 6 ounces. Imagine the disaster if Wayne Gretzky lost a hockey puck? That’s big trouble.

4. A chicken breast. You’ve removed a chicken breast size amount of fat from somewhere. Perhaps overall? Certainly we hope it was point-six distributed evenly. What if we lost point-six from ONE arm? Odd. Hoping point-three from each.

5. Multiply point-six by 52 and you get 31 pounds in a year unless that’s only point-six ounces. Than we have no idea.

Oprah & Secrets

What does this have to do with the Dukan Diet?  Stick with me here...

I watched more of Oprah's shows during her last season than her other 24 years all put together.

And then, I watched the behind the scenes series that she had on OWN.  It was fun.

And then, she brought Rosie O'Donnell to her network and gave her a talk show...which made me happy because I love Rosie doing talk shows.  She brings an energy that I enjoy.

And right after that, is Oprah's Life Lessons...or Life Class...or something.  But it just started last week and each day she focuses on something she learned from a show or shows of hers from the past 25 years.

It's getting a little tricky to watch.  Because she hits on things that I need to pay attention to.  Like, following your instinct...and listening to your inner voice...and living your true life.

Thursday, she had a show about secrets.  She said:

Smacked me something good.  This board training that we're taking right now is already having me face things...first, it was how I am on the board and how I could be...then, that kind of spread to my personal life...and how I have been, and how I could be.

Expectations...not necessarily others expectations...I mean, I REALLY am enjoying that part of getting into one's 40's.  It's those expectations that we put on ourselves.  Which are usually higher than what others put on you...but, by the same token, we know ourselves better than others do, right?

So.  I've been pretending to be something other than I am.

It's been a rough 4+ years.

We came here and I knew it was temporary.  My problem?  I invested as such.  And I've shortchanged myself.  I haven't made real friends...which makes for lonely days.  I haven't gone out and become a part of things.  Which is kind of contradictory because I have...I'm on four boards, just got roped into being one of the legislative folks for the main board, in a book club...but I'm not really invested.  Not the inner me.  Not me.  That's on me.  That's my failure.

At first, I lived with three people who hated it here...daughter graduates and gets the heck out of here as fast as she can, didn't even wait to go on a family vacation.  Then, I lived with two people who hated it here...daughter graduates and gets the heck out of here as fast as she can, didn't even wait until she was 18.  I choose to believe it wasn't me they were running from...even though I have things I need to work on with them, but it was this place and they wanted back to their "home".  Then, I lived with my husband...who hates it here.  And in dealing with the empty nest thing...I gave.  I got worn out from keeping a "good attitude".  It's gone.  I'm tired.  I'm ready for the next step.  It's been 4+ years of limbo.  Of waiting.  And now I'm able to figure out what I want to be when I "grow up"...and my options are beyond limited... 

So I've been faking that I'm okay.  That I'm happy.

Because I am not okay.  And I am not happy.

I'm not unhappy...there are many blessings in my life...but I'm not happy.

And I'm supposed to be happy.

I'm supposed to be doing something with my life.

And I'm not.

And I'm angry at myself for that...disgusted with myself...is that a reason for self-sabotage?  I don't know.  But I do need to figure out how to get on with things.  To get rid of the stagnation that has become my life.  I am wasting time and that is something I can't get back.  I'm wasting opportunities...even though I have no idea what they are...and my emotional bleah/angst HAS to have influence on my weight.

So me posting this may make my chest tighten with anxiety, but I'm posting it anyway.

Because it's part of my truth...and I need to stop pretending and start enjoying life.

Week 14 - Cruise Phase

Start:  174

Day 1 - 174.0.  That makes the grand total poundage lost a whopping 31 pounds!  And this morning, I am grateful that I started this blog...the daily weigh-ins force some accountability, but without putting it here, where anyone who passes by this website can see, I may have given up or fudged a lot more than I did the past few weeks.  But knowing that someone can see what I'm doing..or not doing...and knowing that my sister does read this..well, I really do have to be accountable.  Can't fake the black and white.  So.  I have lost 2/3 of the weight that I set off to lose.  I can SO do 1/3 more.  I've already lost 15 pounds twice in the past few months.  Here goes the third and final time.  For good.  

Day 2 - 173.8.  I'll take it.  Yesterday, I had a few difficult moments.  Hubby asked if I was over the cravings.  I said I can handle the cravings...what I have a difficult time with is my attitude of late.  He asked what's that?  I said just being annoyed...wanting to eat what I want to eat when I want to eat it.  He was surprised to hear that I've had a few attitude-y weeks.  Guess that's part of my problem...keeping things inside.  Not that I have to share every annoying feeling that I feel...but it's part of my walls...internalizing...part of what Dr. Phil says is the problem of chewing on food instead of chewing people out.  NOT that I need to chew out my husband...we have good conversations...getting better at it...the point is to quit internalizing.  So, in that spirit...here is my embarrassing moment:  I forgot I had a birthmark.  Seriously.  I forgot.  Because I haven't seen it for years.  A few days ago...while poking around the mushy fat that remains on my belly...just feeling at how mushy it is compared to how solid it was...I saw this brown spot and raised my eyebrows because it surprised me.  And instantly, I remembered I had a birthmark...then felt stupid for forgetting that I had one.  It had been hanging out where it has been for all of my life.  But...hidden on the underside of that tummy roll that has gotten a lot smaller and now no longer has an underside to hide from me.  So there you have it.  A big moment in this journey...I found my birthmark!

Day 3 - 173.8.  Well...it didn't go up.  I guess that's something.  And since we're on the subject of something...here's something:  I'm not enjoying making food.  I usually hate planning dinner menus, but since my "normal" recipe collection is pretty much off limits, I hate it even more.  Poor husband.  He had Dominos cheesy bread and hot wings last night...I made myself turkey patties and nonfat cottage cheese.  Tonight isn't looking good for the cooking-vibe.  Maybe left-over rib-eye roast...it was on a good sale this week, and there's still some in the fridge.

Day 4 - 176.something...don't understand that.  Perhaps I stood on the scale wrong?  Perhaps it's because I didn't eat much yesterday?  Dunno.  Oh well.  Have three days to get it to a better number for my week end number... Fast forward to tonight... Had a meeting 1 1/2 hours from home tonight...brought my "away from home" Atkins drink with me.  Neglected to bring it in to the meeting.  They served dinner a little after 7.  Put salsa and tortilla chips in front of me..the smell made my mouth water.  Then, we had a short break to eat.  Enchiladas with green sauce...oh my...I took half of one.  It was good.  I don't feel guilty.  I'll recover.  The good news is that two of my board members (this group meets once a month) took me aside and told me I look good and, "Alright, how much have you lost?!?"  and they wanted to know how...on our way home, the one lady said, okay...now how long has this taken you?  It was great.  She wrote down the name and said she's going to check out the book.  She has two little girls at home...I think I would have a tough time if I had kiddos home.  If I don't feel up to it to make "real food" for my husband, he's really good about going with the flow.  With no hard feelings.  Couldn't do that with my children home.  Anyway.  That was my day.  Ate stuff that isn't on the list, but didn't eat a lot of it.  Got some major 'feel goods' from two ladies.

Day 5 - 177.0.  Now, under normal circumstances, the rise in the numbers would freak me out...but, not this morning.  I'm looking at body signs and this week, there was salt in that food last night and mostly, I'm just having normal female reactions to hormones.  This morning, I woke up and I feel so extremely puffy.  My lips would qualify me to join Angelina Jolie's family.  My hands look puffy.  My body feels tight and uncomfortable.  I now understand...I think before, my body may have already been too fat to really notice?  Don't know.  I didn't have my turkey sausage for breakfast...I'm avoiding the little salt I do eat...and the numbers will go back down.  At least, that's what my gut is telling me...and we know to not go against our gut, right?  So, hopefully, this being so uncomfortable will pass quickly.  Went to an activity at church tonight. Had a gym full of women laying on mats with the lights off listening to new age sounds and doing relaxation techniques.  It was nice.  Then we discussed various ways we de-stress.  Then...they had us play modified volleyball...which stressed me out...but it was loads of fun.  Got a little sweaty.  Played in my flats and jeans...did not eat the dessert...ice cream and homemade hot fudge.  Don't care about the ice cream...homemade hot fudge?  Now that...that I'm going to pat myself on the back for not eating.  Had two ladies tell me how good I'm looking and good job...inquiries about what I'm doing.  That was good.  That makes a hamburger craving so much easier to ignore.  Need to tell my daughter to quit talking to me about hamburgers.  :)  Instead, I added mustard powder to my turkey burger patties.  It'll do for now.

Day 6 - 175.0.  I'm choosing to not stress about the numbers.  They will continue to go down.  Just not today.  Feel puffy this morning, not as much as yesterday...but it's still noticeable.  No blame on food, because I was good with none-to little salt intake yesterday.  Blame it on the full moon and being female.  I shall watch it again today.  Because not having water retention while traveling has been a TERRIFIC side-effect of this Dukan Diet.  So, I've gotten used to not having to deal with it...and to have it at home?  Yuck.  I'm also kind of sore.  Husband saw me taking some pills...asked what was hurting.  I said too much competitive spirit in me...I'm thinking the volleyball...I did kind of get into it and jarred the joints from my hands to my shoulders...which are crappy anyway.  Last night was fun though.  He goes to the dentist today for a deep root cleaning...then we'll see if he's up for a trip to the library...sometimes, I like having company.

Day 7 - 176.something.  I need to figure things out.  I'm doing self-sabotage...and that is not a good thing.  For some reason, I'm just feeling a big resistance thing going on internally...I don't like it.  I don't understand it.  I want to figure it out and get rid of it.

Official weigh in from the end of my fourteenth week in the Cruise Phase:  176

Week fourteen weight loss:  +2  (ouch...that hurt to type)

Total weight loss:  29

Who's Obese? NOT ME!!!

I DID IT!!!

I'M OFF THE OBESE PART OF THE BMI!!!

Just in overweight...glory glory joy joy...

I'm just happy happy happy about that...to not be officially obese...

Feels good.

I may walk around naked for awhile.

Just for fun.

Week 13 - Cruise Phase

Start:  (176.0)

Day 1 - ... The above weight is in parenthesis because I'm not home...not with my scale...  Eating away from home can be tricky...did good today.  Stopped at the grocery store before getting to my sister-in-law's last night.  Ate broccoli and steak for lunch.  Went to a chinese buffet for dinner (made hubby happy)...I started with a salad and then took my plate around and got stuff that was okay to eat.  Got full on "approved" foods.

Day 2 - ... Still not home.  No weigh in today.  Going to get my hair done, will see family...husband will work on my sister's fridge while my gray is being covered.  I'll stay strong and think about my doctor appointment in two days...want to make the nurse's eyebrows move when she writes down my current weight next to the number from a few months ago...

Day 3 - ...  Not home.  No weigh in today...which is probably a good thing.  And as I sit here, I wonder if I'm doing some self-sabotage... My brother-in-law got KFC for dinner.  Now, I could have easily said no..I'll eat my stuff.  But there was the mashed potatoes...and some Harmon's french bread...and...I caved.  On purpose.  It wasn't even an accident.  I had an original chicken breast.  I had a small spoon of potatoes and gravy.  I had a small spoon of coleslaw.  I had a most delicious thin slice of french bread with butter.  AND...he makes the best frozen drinks...I had a frozen fresh lemonade.  And now...I doubt myself and why I did that.  I ate slowly and enjoyed it.  I wonder what the scale will say at the doctor's tomorrow.  I wonder if I damaged the numbers by my eating.  I don't know.  I do know that I need to get back to business.  I'm getting closer to the goal number.  I can do it.  I can manage.  I need to manage my attitude though.  That'll be the trick.  Perhaps I need to make some mini-goals.  Maybe even just daily goals.  Create some rewards for myself.  Problem there is that rewards have almost always been food-related...how to do that now?  Dunno.  Before I started this Dukan Diet...I honestly didn't think I'd see 180 again.  That was unattainable.  But my rewards before were a particular dress at 190...when I hit 190, I thought...nah, I can wait until I'm back to size 8.  My big reward was for 180...electrolysis...I already hit that number...and I think, eh...I ought to wait until my "true weight".  So.  How to reward...I want different clothes.  But I don't want to spend money on clothes that don't fit for very long.  So.  No idea.  No clue.  

Day 4 - ... Got home late tonight, no weigh in.  Doctor visit today.  According to their scale, I've lost 28 pounds since I was there last.  Had blood taken for tests..hope my numbers improved.  Doctor hadn't heard of the Dukan Diet...she wrote it down to look into, but was happy with what I've done.  Said good job.  Told me congratulations.  Yeah!!!  Food was odd today.  Didn't have "smart" choices to make for lunch, so had the Atkins Protein Drink.  For dinner, I said I needed to eat now...hubby wanted to get on the road and suggested I have an Atkins (to be kind of fair, I did just buy a bunch at Walmart because they're more than $2 more here) and we eat down the road.  Enter in attitude courtesy of me.  Completely wasted because he slept most of the way.  So I had another Atkins drink...which Dr. Dukan didn't really want me to. He had some chinese food halfway home.  I made some turkey patties when we got home and survived just fine.  Attitude mostly gone..food helped it leave completely.  

Day 5 - 175.2.  Traveling wipes me out.  Could be not going to bed at a decent hour for 5 nights.  Long nap. Couple loads of laundry.  Put things away.  Meeting tonight...weird to be patted on your back for strengths, but at the same time, I'm getting a pretty dang clear view of some weak areas... Made myself some poached eggs and had some of my fake crab meat.  I'm starting to get really ready for the consolidation part of this deal.  The end of November seems a long ways off...perhaps if I get my stuff together and get back to serious business.  I need to finish reading my current book and put the blue book (dukan book) out in plain view so I'm getting into it regularly.  That may help my motivation level.  And also to remind myself of the progress that I have made.  There's only so much cross stitching I can do instead of feeding my face.  Need to find out what else people do instead of munching on food.  If you are reading this and have suggestions, please feel free to leave comments...

Day 6 - 175.something.  One of the drawbacks to getting up before the sun is that my brain isn't engaged completely...so sometimes, I don't remember that number.  As to food.  Today, I didn't live true to my 100 foods list.  And thinking about what motivates me (re: learning about myself in the training that I mentioned yesterday), I think I need to have a break scheduled.  Something to work towards.  I can follow a strict schedule.  I can follow a strict dietary list..I have proven that to myself.  What I can't do is go without a light at the end of the tunnel...and the end of November?  It's not a real thing to me.  So...I may or may not stick true to this, but...what got me through July was knowing that I was going to have a Sweet Tooth Fairy cupcake for my birthday.  What got me through August was knowing that I might have a cupcake for one of my daughters' birthday at the end of that month.  September...I did mostly good, but I didn't hold true like I did for those first two months.  What I need is to have that kind of devotion to the list.  And although right now I'm feeling like I would be happy with a couple bowls of oat bran hot cereal and some turkey...I know that's not in my best interest.  So..I will give myself an "out" every two weeks.  The 1st and the 15th of each month.  Perhaps not that day exactly...and since I have that in front of me, I can think about it and when it comes down to it, I may or may not use it.  Not the whole day.  Just something.  A piece of bread.  A cookie.  Not those lovely Carolina BBQ potato chips.  Those I just need to not be around.  *insert chuckle*  Don't know if that will help, but I think it will.  We shall see.

Day 7 - 175.8.  Hmmm...could that be from the sugar I ate last night?  And the bummer part is it didn't even taste as good as I thought it would.  It was very sweet.  But, I was thinking...tomorrow I start fresh.  All in.  So I ate it.  And then didn't even enjoy it.  When will I learn?  Dunno.  Going through the grocery ad this morning, I got a little bummed.  I'm not big into apples, but I love love love Honeycrisp apples.  And they're not around all the time.  They hit the stores now...and oh...they are good.  And oh yeah..I don't get apples until I hit my weight.  So.  Let's see if there will still be any in the stores when I get there.  I'm sad about not getting the apples.  But.  I am down "30" pounds!  How's them apples?  (i quoted 30 since there's a .8 on that number)  Let's see what the morning brings us!  So, bad news is, Honeycrisp apples are in season and I can't have any.  Good news is, it's very cold today...means the jeans came out...and I wore size 11/12 instead of 14 or 16!

Official weigh in from the end of my thirteenth week in the Cruise Phase:  174

Week thirteen weight loss: no official beginning number

Total weight loss:  31